Crying

Hello.

I was very preoccupied physically and mentally last week due to rl crap and today I ended up breaking down over the fact that death will inevitably come to us all and I don’t know how to cope once people I love start to die one by one the older I get.

(CW: death, depression?)

I know, it’s such a depressing topic but I think about that sometimes

……

okay, most of the time, gah.

Every night before I sleep, if I ever sleep, I’m plagued with thoughts like these. That and the self-loathing, wondering if I’m wasting the few years I have on this planet, lol.

Obviously, those thoughts keep me awake that it leads to my fatigue during daytime. But today, I cried so much that I finished an entire tissue pack in one seating because of thinking about that.

I opened some period tracker app to check if I was PMSing and to nobody’s surprise, I was, lol. My period was quite irregular last month (delayed) so my cycle is a total mess. I don’t even know if my period is going to come at its regular time or delayed like the last time.

Although that fact isn’t exactly a “small thing to cry when you’re on PMS.” I’m not trying to belittle that problem, don’t be mistaken. I’m sure lots of people also get sad and anxious whenever they think about them and their loved ones’ mortality but it’s just one of those topics I muse and end up crying to for about thirty minutes to an hour because it’s stuck on my mind for the entire day.

I have to admit I still haven’t recovered from my maternal grandma’s passing almost four years ago. I still tear up when I think about her. I read somewhere that you never ever fully recover from a death of a loved one, you just end up trying to cope into this new reality without them. And that is probably true.

I wish someone told me this early on as a child, though. , Death and our mortality as topics are often avoided in conversations because who wants to be reminded of that? It’s being a total Debbie-downer. But at the same time, we can’t avoid it.

Bleh.

I really have to come into terms with that, sigh. (I need to get therapy for this too)

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to ramble on about. Now, I’m craving for some KFC fried chicken and ice cream, gah. Late at night too

5 thoughts on “Crying

  1. The coping thing is true :/ I hope things ease over for you because this topic is never, ever easy to deal with. I’m sorry about your maternal grandma… but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in thinking about loved ones’ mortalities. I CONSTANTLY think about it due to my parents’ age and how many loved ones we’ve lost (I have a lot of older family members, especially on my mom’s side). I thought I was the only one, haha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gah, SAME. Sometimes I dislike the fact that my parents married and had me at an “older” age because I think about how I’m still trying to adult while they’re getting older ORZZ. I hope you can deal with it too though I think it’s mostly coming into terms with our mortality, sigh. It’s depressing to think but at least we spent some time with them. :’D (Maybe it was also the COVID pandemic that really pushed me to reflect this). Thanks for your input, Tash. <333

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Every time I get sad and scared about dying, I just remind myself that i’ll accept death when it comes because I know that I will get to see my loved ones that I have missed for so much time. That’s how I see it, (and I like to think of it as in-mind therapy lol).

    Liked by 2 people

    • im so sorry if this comment doesn’t make sense or if it is offensive because it’s the middle of the night my time and sometimes my brain doesn’t like to function in the middle of the night (hmm… wonder why?? jk lol)

      Liked by 2 people

      • Ah no no, it’s fine. I write in this blog late at night so most if not all my posts here are …well, jumbled and messy, lol. Thanks for your input though. ❤ And yes, coming into terms with death, mortality, etc. is what I think we eventually embrace as we grow older and wiser..(?). I'm atheistic but I hope there is some sort of afterlife where I can be reunited with my deceased loved ones, haha. (i just wanna see my gran and co again.)

        Liked by 1 person

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