I was very preoccupied physically and mentally last week due to rl crap and today I ended up breaking down over the fact that death will inevitably come to us all and I don’t know how to cope once people I love start to die one by one the older I get.
(CW: death, depression?)
I know, it’s such a depressing topic but I think about that sometimes
okay, most of the time, gah.
Every night before I sleep, if I ever sleep, I’m plagued with thoughts like these. That and the self-loathing, wondering if I’m wasting the few years I have on this planet, lol.
Obviously, those thoughts keep me awake that it leads to my fatigue during daytime. But today, I cried so much that I finished an entire tissue pack in one seating because of thinking about that.
I opened some period tracker app to check if I was PMSing and to nobody’s surprise, I was, lol. My period was quite irregular last month (delayed) so my cycle is a total mess. I don’t even know if my period is going to come at its regular time or delayed like the last time.
Although that fact isn’t exactly a “small thing to cry when you’re on PMS.” I’m not trying to belittle that problem, don’t be mistaken. I’m sure lots of people also get sad and anxious whenever they think about them and their loved ones’ mortality but it’s just one of those topics I muse and end up crying to for about thirty minutes to an hour because it’s stuck on my mind for the entire day.
I have to admit I still haven’t recovered from my maternal grandma’s passing almost four years ago. I still tear up when I think about her. I read somewhere that you never ever fully recover from a death of a loved one, you just end up trying to cope into this new reality without them. And that is probably true.
I wish someone told me this early on as a child, though. , Death and our mortality as topics are often avoided in conversations because who wants to be reminded of that? It’s being a total Debbie-downer. But at the same time, we can’t avoid it.
I really have to come into terms with that, sigh. (I need to get therapy for this too)
Anyway, that’s all I wanted to ramble on about. Now, I’m craving for some KFC fried chicken and ice cream, gah.
Late at night too