kairene <3333

Slowly easing into doodling after two hell weeks filled with PMS symptoms lol.

I love this ship from Blood Plus so much >v<. It’s not everyday you get to see a female vampire x male human couple that’s not in a seinen fem harem.

watercolor practice 2

This was actually made before the coffee painting. (2-3 days ago?) I forgot the basic principle of waiting for the paint to dry before applying another layer hence the sloppy colouring of the bellies, lol.

I wasn’t in the mood to draw or paint anything today. I felt very depressed; I hated myself for not being able to draw even a goddamn stroke, I had self-harming thoughts and palpitations, I was crying over such petty topics and suddenly getting angry at just about everything.

Then I realised that it’s PMS week, ORZ. (the 6th day according to the flo app)

Ugh,

I observe that my PMS symptoms have been getting worse as I get older. I wasn’t this chaotic a few years ago. :/

welp.

I don’t have any acne breakouts surprisingly, though. I usually get super oily and have some spots on my jawline at the beginning of PMS week as physical indicators that my period is near.

Watercolor practice again

Hello.

After like, two weeks of not posting any art I finally have something to show. ^^;;

I’m sooo sorry for the idleness. ORZZ

It’s not perfect. It’s fairly rough but well, that’s expected from an amateur at watercolours, lol.

Traditional media specifically painting seems to be good medium to combat my anxiety and perfectionism paralysis with art. A giant blank digital canvas is a lot more intimidating. Not to mention the numerous CSP tools and the undo button which exarcerbates my toxic perfectionist mindset.

While with painting traditionally, it gives me more permission to be imperfect and experimental because watercolour is generally a difficult medium; inherently unpredictable (esp for my newbie ass lol) and subject to a lot of different conditions such as paper type, wetness, brushes, etc.

And it’s just very therapeutic. The weather has been really crappy; super grey and rainy so it probably dampened my mood for the past week or so and I needed a therapeutic outlet. (Is it SAD?)

Overcoming

Hello.

I haven’t been as active as I wanted to this week because I was currently struggling with my mental health and a toxic mindset I talked about from my previous post entitled “perfect”

At least I posted one mirror pup comic strip. I’ve always wanted to draw that digitally haha.

I’m still struggling from that perfectionist mindset but thinking about it, if I focus too much on my flaws, and nitpick on the technicalities of the artwork, I’ll never get anything done. And it shows. I haven’t posted as many comic strips as I wanted. I have SO MANY ideas I want to draw and yet my output has been super low this year.

( there is the planner diary thing , but it’s mostly very personal doodles and writings. And I actually forgot to draw and write on recent pages ORZ.)

Thankfully , I managed to get the ball rolling today. 🙂

It’s slow but I’m gaining back my drawing momentum. I filled out the blank pages on my journal with heavily personal rants (lol) and scribbles and painted on them today. It’s not much, but it is something and I hopewill draw more for the following days. I’m sick and tired of being bogged down by my shitty complex.

In other news, I’ve been listening/watching to Shredded Sports Science on youtube while painting. I’ve been enjoying his scientific explanations in regards to muscle building, ore workouts, etc. He also tends to debunk and expose fraudulent fitness products through science which is interesting and needed imho.

I’m quite shocked at how deceitful the fitness industry can be especially with selling overpriced crappy supplements and fitness programs. For example, guys that are obviously on juice/steroids deceiving their impressionable fanbase that x product or x fitness program is what made them ripped easily, pfft. Basically, it’s the fitness equivalent of “influencer/celeb who had Botox and fillers yet tells their fanbase it’s their 126363 step skincare routine of overpriced skincare products that made them look young and wrinkle free,” lol.

Anyway, it’s late, gah. I should go to bed.

Goodnight. ❤️

perfect.

I’ve been confiding with Rin about my anxiety with art since last night, haha. I get paranoid for example if it’s the good composition, or if the values are right, blablahblah.

This is what happens when I study too much on the technicalities and spend the day scrolling through pro artists works at ArtStation and IG and comparing myself with how good they are that I kinda suffered from terrible anxiety with drawing.

bleh. It’s my fault.

Scroll only for a few minutes, but I may have ended up scrolling more than that, ORZ.

Continue reading

wip

Hello.

After days of dumping my random thoughts and musings on this blog, here’s some art finally.

Well, more specifically, it’s a wip of some comic which is still art that I need to finish this week. ^^;;

I’ve been trying to get some inspiration from Art Station artists, and let’s just say…they were quite discouraging, haha.

I mean, it’s inspiring don’t get me wrong but also discouraging the more I scroll tbh. My art looks like utter trash if put next to any of their works, lol.

Goddamn, so many extremely skilled pros. ORZ

I wonder how many days it takes for them to finish a polished and very detailed artwork?

But no matter, it’s also good to appreciate their works and study how they’re able to make their stuff. 😀

hustle

Hello.

Lately, I’ve been enjoying writing down random thoughts and reflections here. It feels like I’ve finally gotten back to serving this wordpress blog’s original purpose, heh. I fell out of the habit of writing down musings a year or two ago due to anxiety but I thought I could write more of my stuff here because it’s not like many people browse this blog and read it anyway so I don’t have anything to lose.

I do apologise if I haven’t posted this week on any of my social media. I overestimated myself, thinking I could whip out a comic in two days but apparently, it took me more than just two days. I’m still in the midst of finishing it, I just need to add the speech balloons and do some level adjustments. And I pray to myself that I can post some art this week.

Anyway,

I’ve been thinking of the hustle culture. Like, everyone I know from family, friends, peers, etc. seem to have such big ambitions and dreams like getting a PhD, a Master’s degree, going into medical school, law school, engineering school, etc, and here I am feeling lost, not knowing what I should do in life and what defining life career I want, haha.

Continue reading

emo

Encountered this song in spotify, and ended up basking in my 2000s nostalgia with “emo” songs and bands.

To be fair, you didn’t have to be considered emo to actually appreciate how awesome their songs are. They were very popular where I’m from regardless of identity and subculture imo, lol. I wasn’t even emo and I still loved FOB, MCR, etc.

As I can recall, the problematic elements of emo culture was glorification of self-harm and suicidal ideation but at least they had their own subculture and a very distinct fashion style. The latter which I remember fondly now for some reason.

It’s probably nostalgia since I grew up in the 2000s and I look at the past with rose tinted glasses and the problems in that era like more bigotry, tends to blur quite a bit because of distance.

I still miss LiveJournal, long-form blogging, forums and html websites, though haha. The internet is so much more corporate and curated now compared to before, unfortunately.

welp.

give it a few more years and the internet will be having a 2000s emo punk nostalgia that will replace the 80s and 90s one, lol.