I’ve been confiding with Rin about my anxiety with art since last night, haha. I get paranoid for example if it’s the good composition, or if the values are right, blablahblah.

This is what happens when I study too much on the technicalities and spend the day scrolling through pro artists works at ArtStation and IG and comparing myself with how good they are that I kinda suffered from terrible anxiety with drawing.

bleh. It’s my fault.

Scroll only for a few minutes, but I may have ended up scrolling more than that, ORZ.

I don’t really know what happened to me. Back then, I didn’t mind if I drew really crappy stuff, or just half assed doodles, I literally couldn’t give a fuck so my old wordpress was filled with….very anatomically bad art, lol. Hopefully my skills improved this year compared to those blunder years of 2015-2019 but the more I improve, the greater my anxiety.

Maybe it’s like some form of equivalent exchange, lol.

But honestly…

Deep down it’s mostly because I don’t wanna be that artist I was back then and also the fraudy feelings I have. (plus self loathing too lololol)

Like, “Geez Millie how the heck did you not know about proportions back then? How did you suck so bad at drawing anatomy when you studied anatomy at uni ? Do you even know composition? You don’t deserve all those likes and notes you had. It’s common sense to study the fundamentals before drawing anime, how dumb were you that it took you years to figure out this simple advice. “

I don’t want to be that crappy artist again, so I compensate by dedicating a few hours on the weekend with improving my skills but because of studying all those technicalities, when it’s time to draw or colour, I end up paralysed with fear that the results will be so bad even after those sessions. My expectations are so high that I quit halfway because what I’m drawing isn’t what I wanted it to be.

At the same time I also feel bad because I keep saying to my followers that “I’m going to make this comic and this and that.” And I did make those comic thumbnails but I also get super scared of drawing them (the final ones) because what if it’s not good enough? What if it’s ugly and I might end up being a letdown to them with bad art?

Here I was wanting to start drawing the next chapter of AUU digitally but I end up saying that It’ll not be as good as I want it to be. It’s going to be ugly, bad, terrible composition and anatomy everywhere. What’s the point?

And Rin slapped some sense to me that I have to stop this idea of proving myself worthy.

“You don’t need super realistic art. It’s just about making art that touches people, and then doing what you need to get it to them. That’s it. You’ll never become a better artist by not making art. You have to draw and post. Try to improve as you go along.”

That was last night and I was doing my best to take her advice. Suffice to say that I was able to do some sketching today of the Schiff from Blood + (I introduced the anime to Rin so she kept talking about it and her discussions made me want to draw fanart of it, gah.)

It’s a redraw /resketch and I’m going to do a coloured version of it maybe a few days from now. Redraws are a good way to ease myself from a perfectionist mindset to the opposite.

I’m still a bit anxious but I’ll try to not care about technicalities as much but just getting the stories out there. And that would mean having to draw and not get bogged down by perfectionism.

I….will draw those comics even if they don’t come out as good as I want them to be.

Anyway, late at night gah. I’m sorry if this sounded like a rant. I just wanted to get this out of my system. ^^

Goodnight. ❤