I’ve been working on remaining commissions for the past few days and started resuming with my digital art stuff today.^^;;
Those weeks filled with self hate and perfectionism paralysis is over. I mean why bother when I’m never going to attain that, anyway?
This fixation I have that I need to prove that I’m skilled, that I improved, that I’m NOT that old, bumbling Millie , that I need to post them has proven to be the most toxic, art block inducing mentality ever. All I could do was nitpick on how bad the fundamentals (value ) are by the first stroke that I end up not starting anything. And I’m so tired of that.
It’s weird and trivial but I ended up crying due to that frustration. I know, it’s probably petty to cry over that but those weeks were marked with high levels of anxiety and depression. Extreme frustration at myself that I can’t even bring myself to draw anything out of fear that it will be “ugly” “bland” “boring” …
But I think about my old works which were..well, let’s say anatomically wrong and very simplistic in colouring and shading lol but it was liked by some people in the fandom.
Sigh. Maybe my old self was actually better. I was more on the right brain aspect, not caring much about the technical stuff but I was very productive. The old Millie drew so much on what she liked, she didn’t really give a fuck whether it was “ugly” as long as she was having fun with drawing.
Now, the current Millie, my present self has gone to the opposite end of the spectrum. I fixate so much on the technical stuff , that I’m incredibly neurotic about them, so much so that I can’t do anything anymore. And it sucks.
But, that’s something I started to change slowly this week. I’m going to draw whatever I enjoy and try to not care about details and how “perfect” it should look.
Not everything has to be realistic and super detailed, right?
It’s okay to have very simplistic art and sketches.
That’s going to be my mantra from now on.
Anyway, I’m feeling terribly exhausted, gah. I’m sorry if this blog post might come off as repetitive, sloppy and incomprehensible, it’s late at night and I lack so much sleep. ^^
(Most blog posts are written late at night before I sleep)