Fearing of trying


I’ve been busy colouring the nsfw commission today so…no illustration or doodle atm.

But despite me having less output than the usual, I’m very happy that I managed to open commissions this year, for the first time. Aside from the fact that those commissions helped me financially, it also made me improve drastically in drawing and painting from what I observed. I learned so many things like rendering, doing backgrounds, detailed works, etc.

Stuff like those make me regret that I didn’t open commissions years ago. I often wonder if it was too late for me since I have this mean voice nagging in my head, “Oh, X and Y are in middle school and have opened commissions, why did it take you so very long to open, Millie? You should have done those when you were very young, now it’s too late for you.”

The whole “You’re too old for this. People wayy younger than you are doing 1000x better than you in everything so there’s no point in trying” reason plagues me a lot, lol.

Sigh. Anxiety, specifically Generalised and Social Anxiety disorder are very self-sabotaging. Aside from the fact that I had a very low self-esteem with my skills, a debilitating fear of letting down my followers with my art, I was extremely afraid of failing, too. Yeah, I opened commissions but what if nobody ever commissioned me? That would mean I embarrassed myself online with even posting it in the first place.

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