Fearing of trying

Hello.

I’ve been busy colouring the nsfw commission today so…no illustration or doodle atm.

But despite me having less output than the usual, I’m very happy that I managed to open commissions this year, for the first time. Aside from the fact that those commissions helped me financially, it also made me improve drastically in drawing and painting from what I observed. I learned so many things like rendering, doing backgrounds, detailed works, etc.

Stuff like those make me regret that I didn’t open commissions years ago. I often wonder if it was too late for me since I have this mean voice nagging in my head, “Oh, X and Y are in middle school and have opened commissions, why did it take you so very long to open, Millie? You should have done those when you were very young, now it’s too late for you.”

The whole “You’re too old for this. People wayy younger than you are doing 1000x better than you in everything so there’s no point in trying” reason plagues me a lot, lol.

Sigh. Anxiety, specifically Generalised and Social Anxiety disorder are very self-sabotaging. Aside from the fact that I had a very low self-esteem with my skills, a debilitating fear of letting down my followers with my art, I was extremely afraid of failing, too. Yeah, I opened commissions but what if nobody ever commissioned me? That would mean I embarrassed myself online with even posting it in the first place.

Alas, that kind of thinking hindered me so much. It made me postpone opening commissions for like, three years I think. Then the pandemic happened, and obviously, I hated the pandemic and I am in no way glorifying the heck out of it, it damaged and destroyed so many people’s lives but I would also say that it also helped me learn and reflect more on myself a bit due to life slowing down and taking a big halt? Just a bit. I really don’t wanna appear as if I’m saying the pandemic was a blessing in disguise TT ^TT.

Anyway, I took up journaling this year to deal with my depression during the pandemic and quarantine. It was just the plain old writing down thoughts and sketching messy comics of my day everyday type of journaling (I quit the bujo craze many years ago lol) and boy, it helped me immensely with realising what I wanted and what I needed to change within myself. Examples would be that I have to be letting go of past grudges, lol (I really had a big problem with that and now I don’t want to hold anymore of them.) and fearing of trying stuff.

I…I don’t want to be that toxic, insecure and hateful and self sabotaging person anymore. I need to stop letting anxiety and the fear of failure take over me.

And I won’t. I promised myself that I will not be that person anymore or at least, slowly not be that person anymore and embrace failure. I’m sick and tired of my old, fearful and loathesome self. I want to be a better person and a better artist.

And if I fail?

Well…I guess there’s nowhere to go but up. Try and reevaluate stuff again.

I end up having such catastrophic thinking when I fail, like oh, I suck, I’m subhuman and unworthy for failing, I’m an embarrassment to society..

.Hmmm…Come to think of it, I wonder if that roots from the tiger parenting I had esp from my dad.

Welp.

that was quite a rambling, sorry, lol.

But y’know, it feels so good letting out this stuff and reflecting on my past blunders and mistakes.

….

It’s late, I should sleep. ORZ

Goodnight.

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