Hello.

I’m still not in the right state of mind to be active atm unfortunately. I just wanted to give a short update and ramble about the latest stuff I’ve been going through since last week. ^^;

So, the most difficult part of my relative’s severe illness (has some kind of ARDS) is that it’s very unpredictable like a roller coaster. One day, they would improve significantly, and then the next, their stats would decrease so badly. And it’s been going like that for the past week.

Up, down, down, up, down. each and every day,

Like, JFC make up your goddamn mind, lungs!

Me and my family are definitely on edge all the time due to this kind of trend which isn’t good for our health. Me for example. I haven’t eaten much and slept well since the news came a week ago. And I look like a huge mess, I have some spots on my dull face due to all the stress and anxiety.

I haven’t worked out, too so my gains are probably vanishing, gah. (hopefully not that quick, geez.)

It’s been immensely difficult for me to concentrate on drawing as well. I force myself to draw at least something, but I worry that my dad would pop up or call me with some bad news. That kind of scenario is always at the back of my mind when I’m doodling.

yeah, this is going good, I’m having a bit of fun with drawing BUT what if dad pops up and says that they’re getting worse? what if it’s some more dreadful news? I can’t be happy because that’s when bad things happen. Yeah….Nope, not going to be happy.

And yes, it’s an irrational train of thought. Life has its ebbs and flows and I’m not the main character of the universe, the universe don’t give a damn about me, bad things and good things happen regardless whether I’m happy or not, blabla.

I KNOW.

I know.

I just can’t help but feel like it is that way.

It’s utterly frustrating and depressing that everytime I feel happy and motivated, like with this November, I was already getting back on my feet with drawing, I was all fired up to draw so many comics and finish my remaining commissions this December and then this fucking shit happens.

And this isn’t the first time that kind of event happened hence, why I’m extremely tense when these emergency things happen.

sigh,

It’s already ingrained in my mind that I can’t be happy or enjoy anything because there’s always something super bad that is going to happen everytime I am happy.

(;-_-)ノ

I’m still doing my best with finishing commissions despite having all this stress. Although it might be slower than the usual. ORZ

It’s different with drawing casually since commissions are essentially, work and not something I can delay much despite with what’s going on. So, at least there’s that.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just wanted to post a brief update and it ended up into a whiny rant, lol.

….

It’s late at night, I should go sleep.