I was supposed to write this the other day but I had to go back to the countryside (again) to deal with some family matters and to have a grief support group with my cousins and elders. ^^;

My relative’s death is so incredibly devastating to me that I just end up sobbing everytime I see a picture or video of them. The waves are so strong atm.

I often think how unfair it is that they had so much to live for, many passion projects they wanted to see finished only to die so unexpectedly from COVID complications.

They were a doctor and extremely selfless with helping people. They literally saved some antivaxxer relatives from very critical covid conditions and then right after, the viral load my doctor relative had gotten from all that killed them. (they had very weak antibodies since it was past six months and were about to get a booster shot actually but the rollout was so late and slow in the countryside).

Frankly, I wish I could have just died instead of them, It’s strange how the people who want to live die (early) while I’m still fucking alive.

They had a spouse and kids. They were like a friggin’ saint and I’m not kidding with that. So magnanimous, generous and always prioritising others before themselves. (their selflessness caused them to die, in a way) I guess the only faults I can think of was how they liked to do some light hearted pranks and were quite talkative but even I don’t think those are bad flaws in most scenarios. Nobody had a bad thing to say about them. It was always how they were always there for them when they were sick or in need of financial help. That was how well-loved they were by the entire family and community (my hometown).

They had so much going for them and yet here we are. If it was possible to sacrifice a life so that they can live, I would offer myself immediately. People say Omicron is the beginning of the end to this pandemic and that things will go back to normal later this year and even if that were true, what’s the point?

My relative isn’t here anymore. They won’t be physically here to celebrate the end of this shit. It’s sad and tragic.

I wanna say more but man, the tears just keep streaming in my face as I try to type, lol.

Well, I’ll see them again someday but for now, at least they’re in a better place with grandpa (their dad) who died two years ago. _{( As you can tell, it’s been a very shitty few years for me with a number of deaths.)}

Anyway, yeah,

What I’ve learned in the most brutal way is that death can come for you anytime. Whether you’re in the middle of something or not. That’s why I want my New Year’s resolution to be about doing what really matters to me in the time I have. To draw whatever I want to without thinking of whether it’s crowd pleasing or not, and finish them regardless of whether or not people dislike it. I don’t want to waste my life drawing for the sake of others at the expense of what I truly enjoy.