So…my dog (my baby girl) crossed over the rainbow bridge last night. I’m utterly devastated by her loss but at the same time, relieved that she’s not in pain anymore.

She died before her scheduled euthanasia which was meant to be this morning, unfortunately. On one hand, I don’t have to feel the typical “guilty feeling(?)” that comes or is associated with euthanising pets and such but on the other, I feel so depressed that she died suffering and I couldn’t give her a very peaceful death through putting her to sleep. So many “should haves” and “what ifs” keep troubling my mind.

“I should have set the appointment super early, I should have seen it coming, If only I knew this and that she wouldn’t have….etc”

But, there’s no point in dwelling with that. What’s happened has happened and I shouldn’t blame myself. She was very old and had a terminal illness. She lived longer than most dogs I knew irl and we managed to celebrate her last birthday before things started to go super downhill so quickly. We had a few huge health scares with her since last year and because of that, I was anticipating and preparing myself for her inevitable death.. I made sure she enjoyed her remaining months where she was still vigorous, feeding her all her favourite foods, going to walks… I was also taking more pictures of her.

And yet, even with the anticipatory grief, with preparing myself for the worst, her death left a very big gaping wound in my heart. It’s so difficult to wake up in the morning and not see her by the door and happily greeting me with her long fluffy tail wagging. Taking the dogs out for a walk every morning and evening feels so hollow without her. I tear up when I pick up her leash and she’s not there jumping around, going in circles, super eager to be taken for a walk.

Life is so different without her. I’ve had her since I was in middle school and she’s always been there for me through thick and thin. She was the most intelligent and affectionate dog I’ve ever had.

To think back when I was young, I was a shallow brat who scoffed at mixed breeds and wanted to have a ~pretty purebred~ dog _{yep i was a total asshole} and our adoption of her was the most surprising thing that happened to my ignorant ass because she was a “mutt”. She was given by my aunt for free (her dog gave birth) and I was reluctant at first but raising her was such a breeze and she brought so much joy. She was a very kind and smart puppy, easily trainable and was very healthy. I stopped being shallow with the whole purebreed stuff ever since and actually started to prefer mutts over purebreeds. Not that I hate any purebred dog but you get the point, ;P.

I love her so much and I sob uncontrollably when I see her pictures or just remember her. I never realised how impactful her death was to me. I’m afraid of getting another dog because saying goodbye to them is the hardest. It hurts so much knowing their lives are much shorter than humans. I raised her when she was just a wee puppy and I was with her up until she was a very old, dying dog. She’s like my child who grew older at a very fast rate than me.

Losing her is so heartbreaking. 💔

It also sucks when people around you just don’t get it. “It’s just a dog. Why are you so depressed?” “You can always get another dog.” “She has the same face as your other dogs.”

I really wanna punch these people saying that while I was mourning for my baby.

Anyway, I know she’s in a better place, healthy and playing with her mum, her siblings, and my old dogs who were her companions/friends growing up. ‘Til we reunite with each other on the Rainbow Bridge. (or wherever lol)

🕊☁️❤️🏃🐕🌈 

I don’t think I’ll post this update on tumblr or twitter though. I wonder if my followers think this is some parody where shit things keep happening to me on a series this year, lol jk theyre not like that but I don’t really want to trouble them with bad updates all the time. I don’t want to be a bother.

It sounds like some cursed year for me, with my beloved relative dying last month, and then me getting covid two weeks ago and now, my baby girl is gone.

sighhh // It’s been such a rough few months, I really don’t know if I can survive the end of this year without harming myself in irreversible ways, lol. That’s the reason why I haven’t been as active online since December. It’s too. fucking. much. to handle. I’m still super distraught over my relative’s passing last month and with this month, my baby is gone, as well.

It’s like I can never catch a break. It’s very discouraging.

But that’s life.