fem! angst

Hello.

I’m trying to get back again into things. Like experimenting, posting unfinished, rough works and their likes. I struggle too much with perfectionism but I’m slowly letting go of it.

It’s okay to make mistakes and post super rough works.

Here’s one below 😀

full image

It’s not really explicit or graphic. Just a bit of nudity.

(emo rambling ahead.)

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Hello

I’m too tired to give a detailed explanation (it’s late at night, sorry) but long story short: last week was very stressful. I didn’t see many things coming and it really piled the heck up and became too much for me to handle. ORZ

They all severely dampened by ability to pursue my goals here. I experienced one of my worst depressive episodes ever last week as well. (like feeling numb to everything, having no motivation to live and do anything, s****** attempts, those kinds of dark stuff)

But I still want to pursue them.

I will pursue them, as best as I can despite all those. I don’t want to sound like a broken recorder writing down goals that I forget and do nothing in the end but I want to persist despite all my struggles so far this year.

baby steps…

small/ simple and unfinished doodles, short comic strips, illustration, long comics….I can still make up for them this year. I can do this.

Ahhhhh i should write blog posts during daytime. Gods, my brain is deep fried atm so I can’t write as much as I want to. ORZZ

Stress

WIP of Namu7841’s Commission ❤️

Anyway,

hello.

Sorry for the inactivity. ORZZZ

I’m still alive, I’ve just been dealing with a lot recently. Just this week, my dog’s been having health problems, so I keep having to go to the vet. It’s very stressful worrying about her and bills. It’s been expensive, so I might reopen commissions again. But I’m still alive and working on things. Life has just been so frustrating lately. ^^;;

Hello.

Sorry for being inactive for a few days. I was feeling unwell and out of sorts. ^^;;

It doesn’t help my sleep schedule became more irregular during this week. I plan on sleeping earlier tonight so I can go back to having a decent and healthy routine.

I was also reflecting on the latest commission I did and thought that I need to do more experimental painting style because I want to add more variety in my works like before. I know it’s easier said than done esp with my perfectionism and crippling anxiety but I am doing my best to be more loose with it.. 🙂

)

OCs

I was wondering yesterday if I should have a different account for Original stuff and fanart but I can’t think of a url for a new account atm, lol. (I’m super lame when it comes to url names).

Eh. Then again, it’s probably okay if there’s some overlap. I’ll think more about the separation of original and fanworks account-wise but as of now, I’ll be posting the former here.

Uncensored Version + NSFW talks

Adulting sucks arse.

I woke up feeling like shit today, lol.

And by that, I just woke up at 5 in the morning with existentialist dread again; what the hell I’m doing in this life and a fear of getting older and not accomplishing as many things as I want to as the days go by.

You ever have those flashbacks as you wake up when you were young and wish you could have told yourself to have spent them wisely and cherished all of them before getting a mental breakdown during uni? So many “I should haves” /regrets.

I should have taken drawing seriously because I would be a pro by now. Why wasn’t I proactive? I shouldn’t have self sabotaged myself multiple times because of my low self esteem and crippling self doubt . I should have done this and that.

Sigh. Growing older sucks especially when there’s so many expectations you have to fulfill. I now understand why I used to see all those “adulting 101” text posts back in tumblr, lol.

Adulting…

I for one seem to just be stumbling in being one, tbh. It’s quite embarrassing. I feel so insecure with the fact I’m just winging things while others I know seem to have their shit together.

People say things aren’t what they seem to be in social media or even irl where many hide their insecurities and failures, but even I envy how they’re able to do that. I find it utterly difficult to look sane in the midst of chaos.

Bleh.

Depressing crap aside. I managed to do some comic storyboards for next week. I had to do an intensive “art study” this week because I’m burnt out af and had to find more inspiration and regain energy. Be it through watching dramas (an episode per day), photography and through studying the works of artists I admire. Not that I’m as good and skilled as them haha , but noting how they do composition and colour harmony. ^^

Also, this is like, one of the super rare text posts here where I actually wrote it during the daytime and right after waking up, lol. Maann, I should really start writing during the day time tbh. I feel like I manage to write my feelings more coherently. ( I’m often super worn out at night :/)

But yknow it’s cathartic. I’ve been writing here this whole week about random things that I find out about myself and it helps so much knowing I’m back to treating my WP like a diary again. I used to be so self conscious with what I said here because I didn’t want my blog here to be “boring”; filled with dumb ramblings. People wanna see art, Millie. Not your rants and foolish thoughts, Nobody has Time for that.

It was stupid to have assumed that esp since the art-exclusive feature and short text posts (if ever) are for tumblr/twitter while my wp is meant for both art I’m too embarrassed to post and ramblings.

Bad habits

..

I realised that I have a tendency to self sabotage myself and having this need to justify and explain every little thing.

The other day, I was talking about kinks and fetishes to Rin and we were sharing our most unconventional ones. I felt shameful for sharing my kink which is being..raw during intercourse.

Yep, it is super vanilla compared to the list of kinks I showed Rin but damn, I caught myself having to justify why I like unprotected and raw sex as a kink, lol. Rin told me I didn’t have to reason why I like it. It’s fine to just like it because I find it hot. And she’s right.

I like it because I find it sexy and super hot.

And that’s reason enough.

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