I woke up feeling like shit today, lol.
And by that, I just woke up at 5 in the morning with existentialist dread again; what the hell I’m doing in this life and a fear of getting older and not accomplishing as many things as I want to as the days go by.
You ever have those flashbacks as you wake up when you were young and wish you could have told yourself to have spent them wisely and cherished all of them before getting a mental breakdown during uni? So many “I should haves” /regrets.
I should have taken drawing seriously because I would be a pro by now. Why wasn’t I proactive? I shouldn’t have self sabotaged myself multiple times because of my low self esteem and crippling self doubt . I should have done this and that.
Sigh. Growing older sucks especially when there’s so many expectations you have to fulfill. I now understand why I used to see all those “adulting 101” text posts back in tumblr, lol.
I for one seem to just be stumbling in being one, tbh. It’s quite embarrassing. I feel so insecure with the fact I’m just winging things while others I know seem to have their shit together.
People say things aren’t what they seem to be in social media or even irl where many hide their insecurities and failures, but even I envy how they’re able to do that. I find it utterly difficult to look sane in the midst of chaos.
Depressing crap aside. I managed to do some comic storyboards for next week. I had to do an intensive “art study” this week because I’m burnt out af and had to find more inspiration and regain energy. Be it through watching dramas (an episode per day), photography and through studying the works of artists I admire. Not that I’m as good and skilled as them haha , but noting how they do composition and colour harmony. ^^
Also, this is like, one of the super rare text posts here where I actually wrote it during the daytime and right after waking up, lol. Maann, I should really start writing during the day time tbh. I feel like I manage to write my feelings more coherently. ( I’m often super worn out at night :/)
But yknow it’s cathartic. I’ve been writing here this whole week about random things that I find out about myself and it helps so much knowing I’m back to treating my WP like a diary again. I used to be so self conscious with what I said here because I didn’t want my blog here to be “boring”; filled with dumb ramblings. People wanna see art, Millie. Not your rants and foolish thoughts, Nobody has Time for that.
It was stupid to have assumed that esp since the art-exclusive feature and short text posts (if ever) are for tumblr/twitter while my wp is meant for both art I’m too embarrassed to post and ramblings.