Month: July 2022

Clutter

/ Ayana / 1 Comment

It’s funny how I start to feel more productive and more motivated after I clean and arrange my workspace. I never realised how much I let myself go these past few months that I left my room to be so messy and cluttered, gah.

Anyway, I celebrated my birthday a few days ago and I couldn’t help but reflect more on life and if I’m doing something worthwhile.

I ended up thinking that I’ve lost myself this year. I’ve become more anxious, more paranoid with illnesses and bad events that it’s been difficult to focus.

I could definitely say that 2022 has proven to be such a very challenging year so far. I’ve fell behind in a lot of my plans rl and art wise, and I hate myself for it. 8 months already passed by and I don’t have much to show for. It’s pathetic how I’ve let the voice of self doubt and self sabotage ruin everything by telling me whatever I do is meaningless.

There’s this quote by Chuck Palahniuk that summarises my existenstial crisis this year:

“You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.”

That quote is what that voice of self doubt tells me. I can’t bring myself to do what I love like I used to because I end up becoming super self conscious about “wasting time” or wasting my life, sigh.

ah well…

maybe drawing p*rn of my ships and OCs can help..hmmm….

Discouragement and Comparison

/ Ayana / 2 Comments

Hello.

‘Sucks to say I had such severe depression this week. A mixture of rl stress/problems and hormones (PMDD) exacerbating the entire thing with terrible mood swings which completely zapped my motivation to do anything that’s self-care related.

Plus a heavy period since yesterday, ORZ. I was fatigued and I was lying in pain for hours today. (Even painkillers aren’t that effective nowadays, ugh.)

So…

I was confiding to Rin about my perfectionist mentality last night which hindered me from drawing as much as before(aside from Trauma). I found myself endlessly scrolling through so many amazing art because I burnt out weeks ago and I wanted to gain inspiration. Unfortunately, there’s a limit to scrolling as I found out because instead of making me inspired, it left me super unmotivated and discouraged to draw, LOL.

I felt so inadequate with my skills comparing myself to their art that I wanted to quit drawing.

What’s the point of drawing when I fucking suck and like 100000s of artists are better than me? All my art is trash and nobody likes it. I should quit.

It sounds doomer and childish, haha but I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences that. Not to mention, endlessly scrolling, telling myself ” Oh, this is for inspiration for me to draw.” thinking it was helping me when I was self-harming essentially. It was causing me more depression and anxiety making me think I need to be X type with A detail just for me to be a good artist. I was procrastinating through it, too. Instead of drawing, i just scrolled and scrolled until I felt so disgusted with my works and even myself. I was sulking and wallowing in self hatred instead of grinding.

So being desperate to stop this, I asked Rin to be my accountability buddy in the meantime. She agreed and she told me I’m currently banned from looking and scrolling through artists online. That I should be getting my inspiration from offline sources which helps more because there’s no endless scrolling option offline (art books). Hopefully, I can keep up with it. It’s been helping me today at least, to focus more on my art and our comics.

/ Ayana / Leave a comment

I actually was planning on writing a short apology for being inactive for more than a week but I don’t want to apologise or rather, I don’t think it’s necessary to do so.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay to not post regularly especially during this year since I still have PTSD from what happened to my relative and my beloved baby. It’s not as bad as before but it still lingers. Especially now with my birthday coming up this month I end up going into another existenstial crisis. (Birthday anxiety?)

Man, I remember being so excited for my birthdays because it was the only day where I get presents and be spoiled by my parents. Now, it ends up becoming a trigger for dreadful thoughts, lol.

I’m depressed and anxious af because admittedly, I fear aging and lacking in life. Like, not achieving as much as what’s expected for my age group and all that life script crap.

sigh… I guess the benefit of growing older is maturing and learning more about the world and society.

welp, I managed to get out of my edgy, reactionary phase, at least.

(also its late at night and I’m super dizzy from skipping dinner gah.)

RIP Takahashi

/ Ayana / Leave a comment

So I was watching some KoTH episodes with Rin today and she broke the news to me that Takahashi died from a snorkeling accident which ihit me like a ton of bricks. He was quite active in posting in his social media and then…this happens. It’s completely shocking.

He was just 60 I think? so young….

UGGGHH,

I fucking hate 2022…ffs.

It’s such a total shock. I can’t believe he’s gone. The fact that I grew up with ygo, playing ygo (and seeing my classmates’ ygo cards get confiscated by the teachers lol) it feels like losing a part of my childhood and even my teenage years (with ygotas and the tumblr ygo fandom. )

Takahashi has left a lot of influence on me which is why I’m quite devastated on his sudden death. His series (and the tumblr fandom) inspired me to start taking drawing seriously and make fancomics of them which was something I thought I could never make. Heck, I met Rin all because of our love for the series and its characters. He’s also had a huge influence on my art style. His works pretty much became a part of my life essentially.

Depressing….

Sorry, this was the only drawing I could muster up for today. I’ll try to make a polished tribute but I think continuing to draw the characters he made that I love , like comics and random doodles, is enough to show my appreciation of him and his works.

Rest in Peace, Kazuki Takahashi, Your legacy continues to live on TT ___ TT.

burned.

/ Ayana / Leave a comment

Hello.

Sorry, I was very burnt out this week because the last commission really wore me out. ^^;; ( but it was one of the drawings I’m quite proud of in regards to painting and experimenting.)

Recently, I’ve been playing The Sims 2 to relax from the stress.

Here’s some simple doodle of my OC in her toddler version with her cat, Lord Tubbykins.

Maaan, I felt like I missed out a lot. When I was small, we never had lots of games. We only had the console version of TS2 on the PS2, and I had to share it with my siblings. I didn’t get to play much, and I never got to experience the expansion packs that added new fun things like pets, vampires, werewolves, university….

I always wished I could ORZ.

I think that’s why I got sucked in so completely this week. I may have spent most of the week and become a bit addicted, gah. (the features were so exciting and from what I’ve heard, it actually is better in so many aspects compared to TS3 and TS4.)

It’s so easy to get pulled into it. It felt nice to catch up on something I’d missed as a child, but it also made me feel guilty. I feel like I need to do more commissions, more art. But it also stresses me out; the more important it feels, the more perfectionist I am. I can barely draw, compared to my old rate, because I’m so scared it’s not good enough to be shown to people. But at the same time, I’m afraid because I’m not posting much.

I need to fix this somehow. Perfectionism is my worst enemy atm.

It didn’t help that I also had a relapse this week with grief. It marked almost seven months since my close relative died and I couldn’t help but feel depressed over that. I ended up having another terrible existenstial crisis, lol. The typical “wtf am i doing with my life?” crap.