Hello.

‘Sucks to say I had such severe depression this week. A mixture of rl stress/problems and hormones (PMDD) exacerbating the entire thing with terrible mood swings which completely zapped my motivation to do anything that’s self-care related.

Plus a heavy period since yesterday, ORZ. I was fatigued and I was lying in pain for hours today. (Even painkillers aren’t that effective nowadays, ugh.)

So…

I was confiding to Rin about my perfectionist mentality last night which hindered me from drawing as much as before(aside from Trauma). I found myself endlessly scrolling through so many amazing art because I burnt out weeks ago and I wanted to gain inspiration. Unfortunately, there’s a limit to scrolling as I found out because instead of making me inspired, it left me super unmotivated and discouraged to draw, LOL.

I felt so inadequate with my skills comparing myself to their art that I wanted to quit drawing.

What’s the point of drawing when I fucking suck and like 100000s of artists are better than me? All my art is trash and nobody likes it. I should quit.

It sounds doomer and childish, haha but I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences that. Not to mention, endlessly scrolling, telling myself ” Oh, this is for inspiration for me to draw.” thinking it was helping me when I was self-harming essentially. It was causing me more depression and anxiety making me think I need to be X type with A detail just for me to be a good artist. I was procrastinating through it, too. Instead of drawing, i just scrolled and scrolled until I felt so disgusted with my works and even myself. I was sulking and wallowing in self hatred instead of grinding.

So being desperate to stop this, I asked Rin to be my accountability buddy in the meantime. She agreed and she told me I’m currently banned from looking and scrolling through artists online. That I should be getting my inspiration from offline sources which helps more because there’s no endless scrolling option offline (art books). Hopefully, I can keep up with it. It’s been helping me today at least, to focus more on my art and our comics.