I need to make more comics. ORZ

So I realised another problem which hindered me for months.

(yeah I know I have a lot of problems, lololol)

I spent too much time trying so hard to come up with poncy “artsy” abstract illustration ideas ( the ones I often see on Pinterest and IG) but I realised that…. it’s not my thing?

I mean, I can do those when I’m in the mood which is rare but I ended up forcing myself to be like someone else. It stemmed from my insecurity and internalising, assuming with what I’ve been reading and seeing.

I thought that being unable to come up with those kinds of art was me being uncreative. And that’s another factor why I felt depressed previously. I couldn’t think of any “artsy” ideas no matter how much I forced myself to. I felt so bad about myself because I thought I was just an impostor. I was uncreative.

Am I an artist if I can’t draw like those? If I can’t draw like them?

Am I creative if I can’t conjure those kinds of artworks and ideas?

But art is not all abstract.

Creation is creative.

There are a variety of art styles and themes. I pressured myself too much to make a type of art that isn’t my thing, that isn’t my passion and doesn’t give me satisfaction. All because I felt that fanart wasn’t creative enough. That comics weren’t what made me a “true” artist. That I thought straightforward art wasn’t artistic.

I love comics. I love fanart. I love to do straightforward art. I’m in the zone whenever I make them. I get fulfilled whenever I finish them. Why the fuck was I forcing myself to meet standards that stemmed from my assumptions and other people’s opinions?

Despite the fact that I have an entire notebook filled with ideas to draw, I ended up fixating too much on what I didn’t have, what I thought I should be rather than what I have.

I just wanna draw what I want, gah.