Hearkening back at my previous post on fansites, I mentioned about how people generally have to put up a persona and or to post their highlights online which was quite a far cry from the old, wild west of the internet. I hope nobody mistook it as me saying that everyone is being fake. ^^;;

It’s a general thing and not something that everyone does, of course. There are still people especially on tumblr who post as if it’s their journal. But yeah, my theory with the old internet was that not everyone was using the internet back then that’s why people were ..more “authentic”? (though many were also openly rude and bigoted. Lots of slurs being said so casually so it wasn’t a paradise, pfft.)

I recall hearing from older people since I was still a kid at that time and I was quite unaware with many things except fandom and games, lol. that it was usually the geeks/nerds/outcasts who posted on the internet hence, why they weren’t bothered with highlights. It was a way where they can share their passion to fellow”nerds” in other parts of the world. I’m not sure if it’s 100% true but it does make sense to want to only post your hightlights especially when everyone including your parents and work/classmates are on the internet. You’d obviously wanna impress them and not show the “bad” side. Nobody is immune to that. It’s in our instinct to please others.

And my remark with people needing to earn mostly applies to people who rely on their branding for a living. They need their branding to be “pure” to their profile because one little mistake, and it could cost you some customers or clients. But even that applies to many people now.

I’m not immune from the people pleasing, either. I wish I was, lol. I tell myself to not give a fuck but it’s so difficult not to, ngl. ( ;__; )

Speaking of impressing people, some examples where I try to hide my “bad” or ‘real” side is when I sugarcoat some posts here like when I say I wasn’t feeling mentally well, what happened irl is usually much worse like having a mental breakdown and crying before sleeping and even attempting su*c*de, lol.

Another one would be ranting here but my tumblr and twitter would have none of that (they are mostly art) because I’m too scared of having eyes judging me on what I’m saying and I feel more free to speak my mind here.

AND even in this blog, I sometimes still get so self conscious with what I post that I end up not posting as many text/rambles/blurbs anymore. (Paying 40 USD a year for a site where I barely post anything is a waste of money thinking about it, gahhh.)

That is what I struggle with but I’m trying to curb that overly anxious behaviour.

But something that struck me recently was when Rin told me that when she read my last 2-3 posts (gushing about B+ haha), it looked like that I was having fun again. It’s the first time that she’s seen me so happy and excited in years. I thought about that for a while and she’s right. I get so giddy when I think of my ships and of the AU we made. It’s an old and niche series but I love it. I don’t care if it ain’t mainstream or super popular. I love the characters so much and I’m regaining my passion with drawing again.

And hearing those words from Rin, it made me more motivated to share more posts where I just gush about stuff and not caring if they’re”good enough.”

Besides, it’s not like many people come to this site anyway, haha so I can gush when I want to. ╮(╯▽╰)╭

TLDR; I need to get my money’s worth with this blog by not being excessively self conscious, LMAO.

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