m i l l i e k o u

So…

My dog died recently.

I haven’t drawn and posted as much as I wanted to for the past few days because I was very stressed out and overwhelmed with grief.

Last week, My dog suddenly had a very foul stench from her mouth and became very lethargic. Out of the friggin’ blue. She was no longer barking and moving around. She still had appetite which was a good sign but had difficulty chewing.We immediately assumed that it was a dental problem because her gums were bleeding and she had some plaque on her teeth (plus super bad breath) so we immediately booked an appointment to our most trusted vet this weekend. They checked her weight and I was appalled at how she lost a kilogram from her last checkup in early October. The vet checked her bleeding mouth and said it was some mouth ulcers and plaque because according to him, senior dogs like her are prone to getting them more. He remarked that her case wasn’t life threatening as the mouth ulcers were healing already and he gave some antibiotics and supplements to cure them.(because according to him, a dental cleaning procedure which would require anaesthesia is very risky for old dogs like her.)

I was relieved with that and thought that oh, it’s healing so that means she’ll feel better soon with all the meds given to her. She was like that earlier this year when she had a bad case of bleeding and infection and was lethargic for a week. But she managed to recover well with the meds. However, I noticed that she was getting weaker than ever, not even bothering to stand up and kept withdrawing from the outside world. She never responded to my calls like the usual and would stay put inside her cage and not come out at all. We had to literally pull her out from the cage just so we can give her her meds.

The night before she died, she looked so still when we fed her the meds. She was laying so flat on her stomach with her arms just planted to the ground and her legs in a sploot position (which she doesn’t even do). Feeding her the meds, it was like feeding a ragdoll. There was barely any movement from her aside from closing her mouth because she didn ‘t want to take them at all. She kept spitting out the tablet no matter how much we tried to shove it inside her throat. She didn’t even eat her food or drink any water during the day. We forced her to eat but she would spit them out. And even when she managed to swallow some food we fed her, she would puke them. Right after we were through with giving her the meds, she would walk so slowly towards her cage and not come out anymore.

Seeing her in such a feeble state, I had a very bad gut feeling that night that she will die and I was contemplating on euthanising her. I tearfully confided to Rin about this and Rin assured me that the vet knows what they’re doing and that it’s too early to give up as it would take two weeks for her meds to work and it’s just been two days.

After all, this kind of scenario happened a few months ago and she recovered eventually after a week so why not with this?

The next morning, after waking up groggily, I was told that I should probably euthanise her because she was so incapacitated and I should check her for myself so I did. I was still hoping that she’d be okay, very weak but still awake. I checked her cage in the corner and found her lying down on her side, stiff and not breathing at all.

Her eyes were closed but her mouth was wide open and her tongue was out.

I knew just seeing her mouth like that, that she had passed because that’s how my other dog died last February.

It was a total shock. I sobbed so hard after it was confirmed by the others that she had died in her sleep. I didn’t eat or drink during the entire morning because I was utterly distraught. Even when I had a gut feeling that she would die, it still was a shock to me because she was quite lively a week ago. She wasn’t as lively like in her youth but I and the others assumed that it was because she was ten years old and senior dogs tend to be lazier from my experience with them.

Her ulcers were already clearing and she didn’t have that foul stench earlier on. How could she just die like this?

For some reason, I didn’t cry in the same degree as with the other dog but it doesn’t mean I loved her less. I feel like I’m still numb, trying to process what happened. Everyone at home even thought she would have recovered. I cry from time to time thinking about her but it’s still something I’m trying to digest because…she was just doing fine last week…

… and now she’s gone?

It wasn’t like my other dog who had cancer and I anticipated that her death would be soon but her?

I don’t even know what exactly caused her to die. My sister who is an MD mentioned that it could be sepsis and that the bacteria already went inside her organs even before we took her to the vet. It could also be some underlying disease/s that the vet overlooked because they were difficult to detect. It didn’t help that my dog was such a picky eater even when she was healthy and would eat like a mouse; small amounts from time to time and not eating all at once and finishing her bowl like the others dogs so when she fell ill, she didn’t want to eat anything anymore which contributed to her heavy weakness.

And I just realised earlier today that you can get a necropsy for them. She was already taken to a cremation service yesterday afternoon so it’s already too late, ugh.

sigh.

I can’t help but blame myself because I feel like I neglected these stuff.

Why didn’t you have her checked sooner when you noticed she was not as active as before? Why did you assume that it was because she was a senior dog? Why didn’t you have them run constant blood tests on her to see what the problem was? You’re so stupid to have just thought it was a dental problem when she kept losing weight! You’re so ignorant to have presumed that she was going to recover quickly like before!

People reassured me telling me that I’ve done everything for her and that they’ve seen how much I was a good pet owner, always looking after her and yet I’m still plagued by such guil that I constantly blame myself for her death.

….

What comforts me atm is that she’s no longer suffering and that she’s already with my other dog in some doggy heaven or afterlife.

I don’t even know if there’s an afterlife but I hope that there is cuz fuck, I just wanna see my dead relatives and pets again.

welp.

Honestly, November is such a cursed month, lol. 2022 basically is a shitty year where I already have 3 family members dead and it’s not even December yet.