worry

Thank god the period hell days are over, lol. The cramps weren’t as bad as the usual but that was because I was popping some painkillers every four to seven hours, pfft. But that was just for two days only. I don’t want to end up getting addicted to painkillers, gah. My sister mentioned that if the pain is tolerable, there’s no need to use them.

But I don’t think I can classify mine as tolerable, haha. especially for the first two days (even up to three days) because aside from the exxcruciating cramps, I also get nausea, dizziness and heavy fatigue/weakness.

I’m basically bedridden during those days if I don’t take any painkillers earlier on. :/

Eh, I’ll try not to get too dependent on them. I only take three (200 mg in 1 pill) on average anyway,

Moving to art stuff,

I’m currently finishing three illustrations for this week. And while I was quite weak yesterday, I read some comic books and studied them. I’m still having difficulty in understanding some aspects which is frustrating but I’m doing my best to learn more about my favourite artists’ techniques.

I was also reading some citron, death ang angst shipping comic scripts in my notes app right after the brief comic study session and it made me realise how I procrastinated so much from turning these scripts into comics/doujinshi because of my toxic perfectionist mindset. I was too anxious to make them because I felt…lacking in comic creation. That I was too unskilled and I needed to be “good enough” to make them but of course, how can I get better if I don’t do it?

It’s kind of where my GAD manifests and self sabotages me because it’s that crippling anxiety where I imagine a whole slew of negative, worrying thoughts CONSTANTLY. Like people will think my works are ugly so what’s the point, ORZ. And that if my works don’t reach my expectations, then it’s not worth making or posting. And that ultimately leads to me procrastinating more and leaving the scripts to rot in my notes without seeing the light of day.

I feel like as the years went by, I became more self conscious about what I posted which is good in some ways because back in 2015, I posted like, the dumbest and most nonsensical crap a lot of times lol. (Though I was young, naive and plain immature) But this… excessive self consciousness that gradually took over hindered me from experimenting on different styles and expressing more of myself.

I….wasn’t as creative and wild as before because of the self-imposed restrictions.

Certain ideas that I have for comics, I got too scared of drawing them because aside from having a perfectionist mindset regarding the technical aspect of art, I ask myself what would people think of me for drawing this? Is it “problematic”? Is it going to be bad for my “branding” or rep?

And that’s another thing, lol. “Self branding” or the concept now of “self branding”

..godsssss they always say be smart about what you post because it might ruin your reputation or smth like that especially in a world where everyone is online and yet I’m so friggin’ tired of it all.

I just want to be able to draw stuff and express my ideas without being so worried, without that “self-branding” thing even though I’m not even a brand but I feel pressured to be one because according to my anxiety-filled head, everyone else is doing it so why am I not doing it? >.<

BAH. it’s hard to explain it.

….

then again, I keep seeing some comic writers and artists have some petty drama/arguments on twitter over such small, dumb crap so….

I mean, back in 2015-2016 I’d be all over for online drama, haha but growing older, I just avoid them and mind my own business Maybe it’s because I’m too tired for that cuz…. life and stupid obligations, >__>

But yeah, how is a comic idea going to be that bad compared to public twitter dramas ?

welp.

This ended up becoming more of a rant hating on my anxiety rather than what my main intention for posting today which is just meant to be a small, short update of me being occupied with finishing some remaining commissions, lol.

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