Yo~

I’m going to upload another commission here tomorrow (.:later since it’s like almost 2 am as I’m typing this lol).

I’m currently on the WordPress app in my new phone. I deleted the app from my old phone months ago because I needed storage space (my old phone only had 32 GB) but now, I have more storage with my new one so I downloaded it this week and holy crap, apparently I can only get wp notifications when I download a different app (jetpack) , ugh. Whateven is wp thinking?

Well, at least I can still write and publish blog posts here. Having the mobile wp app can make me blog more things clearly and easily so it’s very convenient. ^^

Anyway, I had a heavy bout of depression since yesterday. It was this feeling of being worthless and unappreciated by people irl , typical personal angst stuff, haha. It sucks being taken for granted and getting my problems dismissed since I was a kid that I was forced to keep everything, all my problems to myself…

…And rant some of them here because people don’t bother to listen, lol.

I always deprive myself just so they can feel happy. rin told me I was self harming by doing that. That my bad habit was always talking myself out of enjoying anything, that I always doubt myself and have to find reasons even the petty ones on why what I like is bad instead of just liking it and not caring.

I dunno. I’ve lived my entire life trying to please these people. Wanting to get their validation and yet they don’t even bother to acknowledge me after all this time, lol. No matter what I do, it’s not enough. Not good enough.

It doesn’t help that my shithead teachers in school, the education system here as a whole have always promoted the idea that stress is like some indicator of hard work that’s worth doing and that if I ain’t suffering, it’s not legit work and I’m doing something wrong, lol.

(Ducking capitalist scam )

What exactly is gained by depriving myself of enjoyment?

Nothing.

I feel worse, I don’t get to do what I want. All because I think too much of what others think of me. All because I get easily discouraged by what they say even though they don’t know me and what I’ve been through.

I put so much stock in what they think I don’t get to think for myself and what I want instead of what they want.

I’m sorry if I’m a bit vague with this rant lol. I don’t wanna be too personal but it’s been a huge struggle of mine this year.

Im a people pleaser. No matter how much I say I don’t give a fuck, I like to see people smile with what I do for them. I like to make them happy. I like to help even if it means I get to suffer.

But I go to the extreme most of the time. I think it’s because I hate myself too much that I don’t really think of myself. I worry that I might be acting selfish if I do.

I need to stop it though.

Nothing is being helped when I stay miserable and torturing myself.

Anyway, eyes are dropping. Want to write more but I’m so sleepy.

Goodnight.