Author: Ayana

it’s almost 2 am…

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…And I’m still awake, lol. wtf.

I may have worked on some comic strips for too long I forgot how much time had passed. ^^

It’s a shame that I haven’t posted much this week but the good news is, I’m grinding a whole lot for the past few days which means I can post more art on twitter and tumblr next week. (^人^)

There’s the comic commission which i got a bit stuck on in the last part but I managed to sort them out. I just need more references to get online for the backgrounds, haha.

I’m also nearly done with a….two year old, short Mirror! puppyshipping comic idea. It’s monochrome so it’s quick, haha but I’ve always wanted to finish that idea. (Will post the BTS of it here if I remember….)

Screw perfectionism! I started a comic with two characters, Seto and Jou that I have difficulty drawing with.

I’m tired of procrastinating because of perfectionism and external approval. What did I even achieve compared to back when I was a big amateur in drawing but brimming with passion, enthusiasm and having no fucks to give?

Rin was right when she told me recently that I lost sight of what my reason was for drawing.

All that enthusiasm in my later art was drowned out because I ended up focusing too much on the technical aspect of something over letting loose and being fun.

Nothing wrong with wanting to improve. After all, those problems only came to me when I started being serious with art. But I ended up fixating on that. I don’t even think of the ship or characters in the art anymore, I kept focusing on what is wrong on the technical level.

Which is unfortunate. I ended up doing the opposite. I got so caught up with technicality that I lost a lot of my passion.

I realised eventually that it’s better to have flawed artworks and comics instead of not doing them at all for fear of them being “ugly” or imperfect.

Like, this mirror! puppy comic might have a lot of mistakes. The panelling might be off, the pacing too quick in one area, anatomy and proportion mistakes, etc..but that’s okay.

I’ll still post it because it’s better to post something that is not perfect instead of letting the ideas gather dust and not see the light of day.

I’ll never be perfect but I don’t want to waste all these ideas and headcanons.

I will definitely finish all our passion projects! ୧༼✿ ͡◕ д ◕͡ ༽୨

No more perfectionism procrastination!

—

Anyway, my lack of sleep is catching up as I type this, lol.

I’ll continue with my blabber tomorrow.

Mirror Jou

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My brain is mushy af today so this is going to be short since I can’t think well, ORZ.

Anyway, chibi doodle of Mirror! Jou’s situation as a parallel to the Mirror! Kaiba one I drew a few days ago.

I think this speaks for itself. I don’t need to explain what Mirror!Jou goes through, lol.

‘Not sure about Shizuka’s design here but I thought of giving her a standard delinquent design in this drawing. She’s a troublemaker, very tomboy-ish and can be very hostile to people she doesn’t know and or dislikes which is the opposite of Canon! Shizuka, haha.

compare

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‘Got too frustrated with drawing yesterday. Y’know that feeling when you are certain what it’s supposed to be like but you can’t seem to do it right no matter what you do?

That was like it for me. ORZ

I seriously wanted to pull all my hairs out from the absolute frustration that I was having.

Gods, why do I even draw when being an artist means signing up for a lifetime of disappointment and discouragement? >__>

Ah well.

Anyway., here’s a sketch comparison from a year ago with the way I drew Mariku.

It’s a bit messy haha. But I actually drew the feb 2023 one on the same page. It was an A4 Midori sketchbook so I thought of using the extra space for the updated version.

I can still see some mistakes on the 2023 one, sighhhh but I’ll just improve as I go along.

Well, gtg. I still have to grind for other stuff for today, ugh,

Fata

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Spoken like a true Italian….

He’s such a bigot.

Everyone knows Asian cuisine is much, much superior than any of Europe’s cusine. And that’s a fact of life. Hmph! 😤

Just kidding.

Personally, I like all kinds of foods from the Middle East, Africa and to Europe but I’m more at home with Asian cuisine (Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Indonesian, etc.) probably because I’m Asian myself and I prefer stuff with rice all the time, haha.

Western food can be quite heavy for me most of the time but the best thing about cuisine is that it is very diverse and when you feel sick of eating the same kind of food, you can always try out a new recipe from a different country. Sick of Italian food? Try some French food. Sick of French food? Try some Chinese food etc. etc.

That guy though ended up becoming my problematic fave, haha. I know he is a money and power hungry pig but damn, FataMoru really makes villains into such multifaceted and complex characters that even if he’s a huge dickwad, he still got some of my sympathy, gah.

I actually finished the game yesterday and godss…One of the best VNs ever! I’ll probably even go as far as to say it’s the best VN I’ve read. I don’t understand how it’s so criminally obscure when it’s such a riveting and thought-provoking story. ;___;

I bought the prequel of it yesterday too but I haven’t really gotten up to much of the first chapter yet. Part of me is quite nervous that it won’t be as good as the OG FataMoru but of course, it is a prequel and I’m curious about Morgana’s story so I’ll still read it. ^^;

I think I’ll timebox this to 30 minutes a day or maybe an hour if there’s more time in the day, lol.

Sigh, I wish I was a vampire sometimes. Imagine not having to be so conscious of the time because of being immortal.

Also for all the talk about food a while ago, I haven’t eaten any for today come to think of it.

So, I’ll stop here and uh…scavenge for some food, lol.

‘Will blog more stuff later.

mirror seto and mokuba 1

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Today was pretty uneventful.

For some reason, I’ve been very tired in the mornings but more productive at night. But at the same time, very sleepy at night too?

It’s a huge contradiction, gah.

I’m trying to be a daytime person though. As peaceful as the night is, it’s not exactly good for my skin to be a night owl, haha. It messes up my hormones, sadly. :/

Anyway, I was talking to Rin about Mirror Seto. I thought of adding more character and flaws to him especially since he’s…very pro worker in the Mirror!Verse which is the total opposite of canon kaiba (probably. Canon kaiba seems like a ruthless businessman/ceo haha)

Here’s some doodle of his dynamic with Mirror Mokuba who is a very aggressive….

….kid.

Small but terrible.

Pardon. ‘been a while since I drew these two, lol.

I kind of want to make Mirror Seto quite spineless towards his very domineering younger brother which could be a good flaw. (I don’t want him to be a totally perfect person, haha.)

I don’t mean he’s a coward but as said above, I prefer for him to have struggles like wanting validation from his younger brother, his only family, and facing the high pressure and expectations to “suceed” as the CEO of KaibaCorp. He doesn’t want to be CEO deep down but he knows if it’s Mokuba who is in charge, the workers there would be fucked, lol.

With Mirror! Mokuba, We characterised him as a young prodigy so he’ s very mature for his age yet has a cold, capitalist mentality (a union buster lol) and wants to strictly adhere to the traditional family business model which is the total opposite of Mirror Seto who is a very empathetic person, does his best to give his employees great working conditions and aims to gradually steer the corporation to a cooperative one in this ‘verse much to the dismay of Mokuba.

TLDR; Being totally opposites personality-wise and the way they want to run the business is why they don’t get along as well as in the canon verse, haha.

Not to mention, Mokuba really hates Mirror! Jou here so he’s a constant foil to the mirror ship.

Damn.

And to think we made Mirror Seto for the purpose of being merely joke material. Now I want him to have his own character arc, haha.

warming up and some ygo talk

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I managed to tidy 80% of my workspace today, heh.

I also got to finish the thumbnails of the comic commission so the next step would be sketching and then lineart and the colouring. Hopefully, I can finish it in a month and a half since it’s gonna be nonstop grinding at this point. (plus colouring would put more effort and then more time, gahh.)

I’m also trying to balance my time with storyboarding chapter 7 of the AUU on top of that. Playing Fata Morgana last week made me remember how much I still love deathshipping, gendeerbent or not, it’s still the same beautiful dynamic, haha.

Here’s a preview of the 2023 updated script:

Can’t believe it’s been two years since I last updated the AUU, though. I’m not really sure if people would still read it if I ever finish Chapter 7 but eh, I need to show I can finish stuff. And we both worked hard for that. It would be a shame if we just left it hanging there. Six chapters is sooo little.

Although throughout the years, I learned that sometimes, things don’t really go to plan and there are periods where I get too burnt out to draw so I need to take a hiatus from the doujin project from time to time. ORZ

Me and Rin have a lot of AUs for deathship tbh, haha. There’s a Monster World AU (non chibi) I want to do too but I’ll have to find time for that as well.

Ahh..And then there’s the pocket citron which is the longest, and something I also want to finish this year.

Here’s are some very rough pen doodles of my ygo babies:

I hope I improved drawing these babies, haha. I mean, it’s ballpen drawings but ..I needed to see if I still got it, haha…haaaa.

ahhh…maybe not.

It’s really been a while since I drew them. T__T

Need to practice drawing their hair again, haha. And clothing.

Come to think of it, we also have this side story of the AUU which is Angstshipping. It’s around the question on what if Mariku and YB didn’t come back? So Malik and Ryou are the main couple here. Me and Rin just ended up falling in love with their dynamic and chemistry that we ended up shipping them while making the AUU chapters, haha.

And then, there’s the Mirror! pup comic scenarios I also want to draw because we accidentally shipped the Alternate versions of Jou and Seto, haha. To think they started off as best buddies in that AU for the lulz.

Honestly, it’s a fucking lot. All the ygo stuff I posted before are just the tip of the iceberg, haha. I do miss drawing them. But it’s also good to alternate fandoms. I don’t really want to just draw ygo, haha. I still have me other blorbos from other beloved series I want to draw.

Ahhh, why do comics have to be so time consuming?

I also sometimes have those self sabotage episodes where I become too paralysed with perfectionism and overwhelmed with self doubt that it delays me from finishing many passion project works. But it’s a bad habit that should stop this year because I’m sick and tired of doubting myself.

What do I even accomplish when I follow that stupid, negative voice in my head that insists that everyone hates what I draw?

Nothing.

Anyway, I should head to bed. Need to sleep. I have to wake up early. ORZ

Will post these tomorrow on tumblr and twitter. Gods, I forgot to post there for the past two days. I need to be regular with posting this month, gah.

blurb

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My workspace is so messy, gah. I really have to clean tomorrow.

So…much….clutter…..

That’s one of the things I hate with depressive episodes. I get such a lack of motivation and energy that I couldn’t be bothered to tidy the place at all, lol.

Well, I’ll be cleaning up the entire room tomorrow. No excuses!

On another note, I also played some Fata Morgana today and I thought I could screenshot the handsome portraits of my blorbo from the series, haha.

GODS, He’s so fucking HOT!

He looks so much like Ryou but with a very masculine and mature appearance. ( neck muscles!)

Even the first time I encountered him in the VN, I referred to him as Ryou’s real dad, haha. And Ryou’s ancestor. >>

This guy has it so rough. A million more times of a woobie than Ryou and Gie but I love all three white haired boys the same. <3333

But damn, I LOVE the art style of Fata Morgana. I need to study how the artist rendered the details, heh. Look at dat hair and thsoe mesmerising eyes!

Need…..to know…their…techniques…..

rut

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The recent news had me very stressed and depressed about a lot of stuff so I kinda fell into a deep rut for the past few days, ORZ.

It really sucks being so powerless and watching people get effed up in the arse by the rich and greedy. sighhhhhh.

Don’t understand why the US keeps barking for goddamn war and then they use other countries as fucking proxies. I fucking hate how some Americans treat as if War is some sports game and entertainment because they’ve never been on the receiving end of war. They’ve never had war in their grounds meanwhile other weaker and poorer countries get used as canon fodder and a chessboard for the US imperialist wolves. It’s never fucking enough for those at the top. So many people will die all because the US can’t stand being number 2. Also to hell with the compr***** of these proxy countries. US Lapdogs are the worst.

_____________

ANYWAY,

‘been timeboxing my playthrough of FataMoru. One hour of playing it each day and….my, my, a huge surprise with Michel, 0__0

I actually kind of saw it coming, ngl. But I didn’t know it was true!

I have a “friends with benefit” ship in the VN, haha. And by that, it’s not exactly romance but more driven by lust, heh. >:3C

(and affection.)

I mean, I can see WHG 2 falling in love with Yukimasa but I can’t see the latter doing so to the former which is sad but well, that’s how it is. It’s actually the first time I had a ship of this kind. ^^;;>

The faces look wonky. ORZ. What even is anatomy?

I hate being rusty. I’ll do better next time.

Poor Pauline.

but I think Pauline deserves someone else. Someone that’s not Yukimasa,.

Maybe an adult version of Javi, haha.

I don’t ship Pauline and Javi romantically as Javi is a kid/preteen (?) so I ship them as a platonic sibling ship.

Although ngl, if Javi actually wasn’t a kid and was featured in the VN as an adult, I’d definitely ship Pauline and Javi because their personalities give room for so much chemistry.❤️

michel

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Still four chapters left in Fata Morgana but ffffuuucck, it’s so riveting and moving that it made me cry, haha.

And I don’t even cry when I watch anime/manga let alone with VNs most of the time.

Gods, why do stuff I love have to be so underrated? ahaha…….haaaaah.

This guy above is honestly like, the more masculine version of Ryou, haha.

Probably the ancestor of all white-haired woobies I love, :’D (Seriously, most white haired anime characters get it sooooo bad in life. )

Also,

So I saw the settei/reference for OMORO in Blood+ and it had a poster for the US army in their restaurant. I can understand why since it used to be a restaurant for George’s friends in the US military in Okinawa. And it’s near a US military base. (How unfortunate.)

but…..since George is dead, and Kai replaces him, I think he’d get rid of it. It would be quite rude and honestly, extremely offensive ( disgusting, to put it midly) to put the US army recruitment poster in an Okinawan restaurant.

It would also be very disrespectful for the Shifu/Schiff who are alive in this AU since they were chased down and hunted by the Corpse corps, who are the more enhanced , “perfect” artificial chiropteran soldiers created by the US for their MIC.

and after all the atrocities and bloodshed the US was responsible for worldwide in Blood+ (and irl lol) ……I think it would be better to just throw that poster in the trash, haha. As they say in Okinawa (and where I’m from), “Yankee, Go Home.”

I like to think Kai replaces it with a corkboard of pictures filled with nice, heartwarming found family moments in OMORO. ^__^

Frankly, that was the fucking original theme of Blood+, the found family trope. If Fujisaku friggin’ spared the characters and was decisive with his choices, the characters would be so much more fleshed out and the ending would have been super satisfying and hark back to its theme but noooooooo, he liked to get rid of them because he didn’t know what to do with them and wanted cheap shock, pfft.

Damn, I rant about his writing most of the time here, haha. SORRY.

Won’t acknowledge the canon at all. And its sequel, haha. I do not know them at all.

pig

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I was suffering from some period cramps yesterday (god, sucks to have periods lol) so I thought of playing some FataMoru. I’m currently at the third door and just a few minutes in, this character has already earned my ire and resentment, lol.

this is why workers need to own the means of production and not these trashy capitalist pigs…Capital and profit over human lives, tchhhh.

This door takes place in the Victorian era, late 19th century so period of rapid industrialisation and you had these fucking scum exploiting the hell out of the poor and working class. Wait, what am I talking about? It still happens to this day, lol.

This is something I really love about FataMoru. All too often, Anime/manga and just media in general love to romanticise the rich aristocrats and nobility, always making them look so fancy and pretty, have stories almost often revolve around them. If there’s a poor person, it’s almost always very individualistic with them marrying to the upper ecehlons of society/ monarchy and “Living Happily ever after.” Never mind the other poor people who are propping their luxurious lifestyles up with their taxes, haha (esp in the case of monarchies).

bleh! (ノ｀Д´)ノ~┻━┻

FataMoru actually is very critical of the rich. You can see how the poor characters criticise some of the rich characters like them being able to be kind, polite and gentle when the poor cannot because of their material conditions. Even a poor lad in the VN mentions how it’s so easy to say to move out of a place when you have money but if you’re impoverished or not well-off, it would be difficult to even move out and let go of the place you grew up in.

Honestly, it was so refreshing seeing that. History and the media tend to often overlook the peasants, the serfs, the colonised people, the slaves and always prop up the rich and royalty. Even until now, people still love to romanticise Marie Antoinette and other versailles crap. I’m like, gods…..why?! smh.

Or like the Romanov family which I mean, sucks that the entire family was killed but like, nobody cares what brought about the revolution. Like how the Russian peasants (who were the majority of the country mind you lol) have had enough of their monarchy just sending them to all die in a war they didn’t even want and letting them starve and suffer so much while they live in luxury. Mainstream Historians love to gloss over that and instead, focus on the oh-so-poor, poor rich royal parasites living off sooo extravagantly on the backs of the suffering workers. （；¬＿¬)

(Rin even mentioned that in the UK, they’re mostly taught of the royal inbreds’ lives and not much of the imperialism that Britain subjected to so many countries around the world. ugh.)

It’s utterly disgusting and it’s a huge sign that history when being taught generally needs to be reformed or changed, imho. There needs to be a huge emphasis on the class struggle. Something that begets class consciousness and solidarity among the working and poor people.

TLDR; I’m sick and tired of this constant glorification of opulence and the rich which is why I adore this VN, lol.

That, and the VN kinda had a “couple” that had so much deathshipping vibes it made me realise that I should resume with the AUU. How long has it been since I last update it? two years, gah. (๏д๏)

So much deathshipping vibes earlier on. I’m like, man, just keep giving it to me make me more inspired to finish that story haha.

໒( ♥ ◡ ♥ )७