I ain’t dead, lol.
Man, almost three weeks of not posting art, sorry. ORZ
But as stated in my last post here, I’ve been doing some grinding with art stuff. ^^;;
I also got a new iPad so that I’m able to draw anywhere and post more. Yay! 😄
///weeps in broke////
Continue readingthis strip is two days old but I’ll post it here, lol.
From what I’ve seen today Twitter is still okay. Although I’ve heard that we’re gonna see it slowly dying a week or so from now?
I dunno all the details but it did shoot itself on the foot ‘cuz the new owner is a total twat.
welp.
I only use my milliekou twitter for art and my other personal twitter for news and memes, lol.
I don’t think I’m affected that much since all my thoughts are in this blog and sometimes on tumblr. TBH, I’ve never been a fan of twitter’s interface when it comes to jotting down ideas personally because…. I talk too much haha.
I don’t like having to cut my rambles and turn it into a thread because they’d look so disorganised. If I want to rant to my heart’s desire continuously with no thread number, I want one blog post dedicated to all the crap I spout, haha.
What bothers me though was seeing people on twitter mention how twitter is going to die like tumblr.
uhhh
These people clearly haven’t been on tumblr lol.
They just love to say it’s dead. Sure, it’s not as big as it was in 2012 or smth but it’s far from dead. Lots of people are still in there and posting stuff, wth are they smoking?
As a sidenote, I really have come to dislike those who love to claim X is dead or dying or “rise and fall of (insert generational trend/genre/platform that was big in 2010 )”. Esp with genres. These are FRIGGIN genres. They don’t fucking die. They just fall in and out of fashion. Dropping off being mainstream for a while. A cycling ebb and flow.
Honestly, just use “Rise and Fall of Prominence” instead of just assuming something is dead because it wasn’t as hyped and big as it was back then. >__>
Anyway yeahhhh…twitter is in the toilet. But hasn’t been flushed yet.
In other news, I’ve been struggling with a bad cold for the entire day. I miss being a child and wanting to have colds so I can miss school lol but now, they come at inconvenient times and are such a pain the arse to deal with.
Hearkening back at my previous post on fansites, I mentioned about how people generally have to put up a persona and or to post their highlights online which was quite a far cry from the old, wild west of the internet. I hope nobody mistook it as me saying that everyone is being fake. ^^;;
It’s a general thing and not something that everyone does, of course. There are still people especially on tumblr who post as if it’s their journal. But yeah, my theory with the old internet was that not everyone was using the internet back then that’s why people were ..more “authentic”? (though many were also openly rude and bigoted. Lots of slurs being said so casually so it wasn’t a paradise, pfft.)
I recall hearing from older people since I was still a kid at that time and I was quite unaware with many things except fandom and games, lol. that it was usually the geeks/nerds/outcasts who posted on the internet hence, why they weren’t bothered with highlights. It was a way where they can share their passion to fellow”nerds” in other parts of the world. I’m not sure if it’s 100% true but it does make sense to want to only post your hightlights especially when everyone including your parents and work/classmates are on the internet. You’d obviously wanna impress them and not show the “bad” side. Nobody is immune to that. It’s in our instinct to please others.
And my remark with people needing to earn mostly applies to people who rely on their branding for a living. They need their branding to be “pure” to their profile because one little mistake, and it could cost you some customers or clients. But even that applies to many people now.
I’m not immune from the people pleasing, either. I wish I was, lol. I tell myself to not give a fuck but it’s so difficult not to, ngl. （ ;__; ）
Speaking of impressing people, some examples where I try to hide my “bad” or ‘real” side is when I sugarcoat some posts here like when I say I wasn’t feeling mentally well, what happened irl is usually much worse like having a mental breakdown and crying before sleeping and even attempting su*c*de, lol.
Another one would be ranting here but my tumblr and twitter would have none of that (they are mostly art) because I’m too scared of having eyes judging me on what I’m saying and I feel more free to speak my mind here.
AND even in this blog, I sometimes still get so self conscious with what I post that I end up not posting as many text/rambles/blurbs anymore. (Paying 40 USD a year for a site where I barely post anything is a waste of money thinking about it, gahhh.)
That is what I struggle with but I’m trying to curb that overly anxious behaviour.
But something that struck me recently was when Rin told me that when she read my last 2-3 posts (gushing about B+ haha), it looked like that I was having fun again. It’s the first time that she’s seen me so happy and excited in years. I thought about that for a while and she’s right. I get so giddy when I think of my ships and of the AU we made. It’s an old and niche series but I love it. I don’t care if it ain’t mainstream or super popular. I love the characters so much and I’m regaining my passion with drawing again.
And hearing those words from Rin, it made me more motivated to share more posts where I just gush about stuff and not caring if they’re”good enough.”
Besides, it’s not like many people come to this site anyway, haha so I can gush when I want to. ╮(╯▽╰)╭
TLDR; I need to get my money’s worth with this blog by not being excessively self conscious, LMAO.
‘thought I could use my pet corgi as a reference, lol.
Anyway, I’m feeling much better than before. I’ve finally accepted the fact that my art won’t be as good as I want it to be. It doesn’t mean I will remain static and not improve but rather, accepting the reality that my art will never be perfect. And that’s okay.
I mean, why avoid drawing all because of fearing it won’t be as good as those other great artists? In the end, my perfectionism and anxiety hindered me instead of helping me improve. I was overthinking the composition, the values, colours and fixated on how everything should look ~aesthetically pleasing~ and abstract that I ended up losing interest in making art or art as a whole.
Something that I remind myself to think of are my followers who stuck with me for many years (since 2015) like Rin who became my close friend, Tai who still likes my ramblings here, Rochelle E. who still contributes to my kofi, and the rest of the cool peeps.
Rin told me that there are people like her who still liked my works even when I was a total amateur with drawing. (not knowing much of the fundamentals) and that made me teary and motivated.
Yeah, I’m a crybaby lol.
It made me realise I should let go of being perfect and that it’s okay to make mistakes. that it’s okay if my art isn’t aesthetically pleasing or abstract. What did perfectionism even do aside from making me prorastinate and hate my art? I should be open to making mistakes, to making “ugly” art. So what if it’s not aesthetics? not pretty? not perfect? not abstract?
It’s okay not to be perfect. Just keep making “shitty” art.
And that’s what I’m reminding myself now. Let myself loose with drawing. To let go of perfection. And Accepting that my art won’t be as perfect as I like it to be and yet still doing the hobby because I enjoy it and because there are messages I want to send through art.
..
Also it’s super late at night and I’ve been so groggy while typing this but it feels good and cathartic writing a self reflection here.
Hello.
I’ve been posting dreary thoughts here for the past weeks…Sorry. ORZ
But I’m doing okay now. I’ve confided in some people, did some self reflection and had some realisations…
One thing that I should REALLY have stop doing is to…stop thinking too much, lol. I worry about so many things that I end up not doing anything.
Ahh, Anxiety (GAD) fucks with your brain big time . I often wonder how many times I’ve self-sabotaged myself due to my anxiety disorder lol. (probably like a hundred times already)
Anyway, yeah, I’ll be going to therapy for that soon. I desperately need to curb it as it’s been getting so bad and in the way of my art and irl. I’ve also been busy sorting out stupid documents a few days ago and that has been contributing to my lack of energy and more anxious and depressive thoughts.
welp.
The hardest part is getting the ball rolling.
Trying to familiarise myself with more of CSP’s tools.
And below is a wip of a bewd fusion. ^_^
I’m not skilled with drawing monsters or dragons so this proved quite difficult for me to make. ‘Quite challenging but it’s good to go out of my comfort zone.
That’s pretty much what I want to say for today. Sorry if it doesn’t make any sense (like the usual). My brain is packing it in since it’s so late at night here but I want to be able to update my blog like before.
I know I’ve been ….so irregular for the past months but I’m doing my best to draw more despite my mental health struggles this year. ^^
Painting pastries or just food is relaxing. ^^
I recently ate at a Japanese cafe and tried their souffle pancake. It was SUPER delicious I just had to draw them, lol.
Above looks more like a transition from a simple colouring to a super detailed one. It was nice to experiment and play with colours as I went along with the other pancake recipes. 😀
Hello.
Sorry, I was very burnt out this week because the last commission really wore me out. ^^;; ( but it was one of the drawings I’m quite proud of in regards to painting and experimenting.)
Recently, I’ve been playing The Sims 2 to relax from the stress.
Here’s some simple doodle of my OC in her toddler version with her cat, Lord Tubbykins.
Maaan, I felt like I missed out a lot. When I was small, we never had lots of games. We only had the console version of TS2 on the PS2, and I had to share it with my siblings. I didn’t get to play much, and I never got to experience the expansion packs that added new fun things like pets, vampires, werewolves, university….
I always wished I could ORZ.
I think that’s why I got sucked in so completely this week. I may have spent most of the week and become a bit addicted, gah. (the features were so exciting and from what I’ve heard, it actually is better in so many aspects compared to TS3 and TS4.)
It’s so easy to get pulled into it. It felt nice to catch up on something I’d missed as a child, but it also made me feel guilty. I feel like I need to do more commissions, more art. But it also stresses me out; the more important it feels, the more perfectionist I am. I can barely draw, compared to my old rate, because I’m so scared it’s not good enough to be shown to people. But at the same time, I’m afraid because I’m not posting much.
I need to fix this somehow. Perfectionism is my worst enemy atm.
It didn’t help that I also had a relapse this week with grief. It marked almost seven months since my close relative died and I couldn’t help but feel depressed over that. I ended up having another terrible existenstial crisis, lol. The typical “wtf am i doing with my life?” crap.
Hello.
I thought I could doodle some dumb OCs last week to experiment with more styles.
And it’s good to take a break from fanart sometimes. :’D
These OCs were actually made accidentally from just brainstorming ideas with Rin, as always, lol. We always end up making stories and scenarios whenever we chat or talk about the most mundane of things.
The hairstyle just gets crazier probably due to ygo’s influence on me, lol but the spikes are from copious amounts of hair gel. So it’s not exactly his natural hairstyle. (And he’s a Marxist punk during a time setting that’s based on the 80s and 90s;a period that marked a destruction of the working class in the uk and in other places)
Obviously, I still have to enhance more of his design. I wanna add tattoos to the guy but its such a pain in the arse to have to keep drawing them so I’d rather not add them, haha.
Other doodles of them below:(18 yr old version and 40 yr old version)
I was actually pretty nervous posting these here because it’s not fanart but I wanna be able to post OCs here as well. ^^;;>
I’m too tired to give a detailed explanation (it’s late at night, sorry) but long story short: last week was very stressful. I didn’t see many things coming and it really piled the heck up and became too much for me to handle. ORZ
They all severely dampened by ability to pursue my goals here. I experienced one of my worst depressive episodes ever last week as well. (like feeling numb to everything, having no motivation to live and do anything, s****** attempts, those kinds of dark stuff)
But I still want to pursue them.
I will pursue them, as best as I can despite all those. I don’t want to sound like a broken recorder writing down goals that I forget and do nothing in the end but I want to persist despite all my struggles so far this year.
baby steps…
small/ simple and unfinished doodles, short comic strips, illustration, long comics….I can still make up for them this year. I can do this.
—
Ahhhhh i should write blog posts during daytime. Gods, my brain is deep fried atm so I can’t write as much as I want to. ORZZ
I was wondering yesterday if I should have a different account for Original stuff and fanart but I can’t think of a url for a new account atm, lol. (I’m super lame when it comes to url names).
Eh. Then again, it’s probably okay if there’s some overlap. I’ll think more about the separation of original and fanworks account-wise but as of now, I’ll be posting the former here.
m i l l i e k o u 