dog and rambling

‘thought I could use my pet corgi as a reference, lol.

Anyway, I’m feeling much better than before. I’ve finally accepted the fact that my art won’t be as good as I want it to be. It doesn’t mean I will remain static and not improve but rather, accepting the reality that my art will never be perfect. And that’s okay.

I mean, why avoid drawing all because of fearing it won’t be as good as those other great artists? In the end, my perfectionism and anxiety hindered me instead of helping me improve. I was overthinking the composition, the values, colours and fixated on how everything should look ~aesthetically pleasing~ and abstract that I ended up losing interest in making art or art as a whole.

Something that I remind myself to think of are my followers who stuck with me for many years (since 2015) like Rin who became my close friend, Tai who still likes my ramblings here, Rochelle E. who still contributes to my kofi, and the rest of the cool peeps.

Rin told me that there are people like her who still liked my works even when I was a total amateur with drawing. (not knowing much of the fundamentals) and that made me teary and motivated.

Yeah, I’m a crybaby lol.

It made me realise I should let go of being perfect and that it’s okay to make mistakes. that it’s okay if my art isn’t aesthetically pleasing or abstract. What did perfectionism even do aside from making me prorastinate and hate my art? I should be open to making mistakes, to making “ugly” art. So what if it’s not aesthetics? not pretty? not perfect? not abstract?

It’s okay not to be perfect. Just keep making “shitty” art.

And that’s what I’m reminding myself now. Let myself loose with drawing. To let go of perfection. And Accepting that my art won’t be as perfect as I like it to be and yet still doing the hobby because I enjoy it and because there are messages I want to send through art.

..

Also it’s super late at night and I’ve been so groggy while typing this but it feels good and cathartic writing a self reflection here.

gasdfgfd

Hello.

I’ve been posting dreary thoughts here for the past weeks…Sorry. ORZ

But I’m doing okay now. I’ve confided in some people, did some self reflection and had some realisations…

One thing that I should REALLY have stop doing is to…stop thinking too much, lol. I worry about so many things that I end up not doing anything.

Ahh, Anxiety (GAD) fucks with your brain big time . I often wonder how many times I’ve self-sabotaged myself due to my anxiety disorder lol. (probably like a hundred times already)

Anyway, yeah, I’ll be going to therapy for that soon. I desperately need to curb it as it’s been getting so bad and in the way of my art and irl. I’ve also been busy sorting out stupid documents a few days ago and that has been contributing to my lack of energy and more anxious and depressive thoughts.

welp.

The hardest part is getting the ball rolling.

oc

Trying to familiarise myself with more of CSP’s tools.


And below is a wip of a bewd fusion. ^_^

I’m not skilled with drawing monsters or dragons so this proved quite difficult for me to make. ‘Quite challenging but it’s good to go out of my comfort zone.

That’s pretty much what I want to say for today. Sorry if it doesn’t make any sense (like the usual). My brain is packing it in since it’s so late at night here but I want to be able to update my blog like before.

I know I’ve been ….so irregular for the past months but I’m doing my best to draw more despite my mental health struggles this year. ^^

Soufflé Pancakes

Painting pastries or just food is relaxing. ^^

I recently ate at a Japanese cafe and tried their souffle pancake. It was SUPER delicious I just had to draw them, lol.

Above looks more like a transition from a simple colouring to a super detailed one. It was nice to experiment and play with colours as I went along with the other pancake recipes. 😀

burned.

Hello.

Sorry, I was very burnt out this week because the last commission really wore me out. ^^;; ( but it was one of the drawings I’m quite proud of in regards to painting and experimenting.)

Recently, I’ve been playing The Sims 2 to relax from the stress.

Here’s some simple doodle of my OC in her toddler version with her cat, Lord Tubbykins.

Maaan, I felt like I missed out a lot. When I was small, we never had lots of games. We only had the console version of TS2 on the PS2, and I had to share it with my siblings. I didn’t get to play much, and I never got to experience the expansion packs that added new fun things like pets, vampires, werewolves, university….

I always wished I could ORZ.

I think that’s why I got sucked in so completely this week. I may have spent most of the week and become a bit addicted, gah. (the features were so exciting and from what I’ve heard, it actually is better in so many aspects compared to TS3 and TS4.)

It’s so easy to get pulled into it. It felt nice to catch up on something I’d missed as a child, but it also made me feel guilty. I feel like I need to do more commissions, more art. But it also stresses me out; the more important it feels, the more perfectionist I am. I can barely draw, compared to my old rate, because I’m so scared it’s not good enough to be shown to people. But at the same time, I’m afraid because I’m not posting much.

I need to fix this somehow. Perfectionism is my worst enemy atm.

It didn’t help that I also had a relapse this week with grief. It marked almost seven months since my close relative died and I couldn’t help but feel depressed over that. I ended up having another terrible existenstial crisis, lol. The typical “wtf am i doing with my life?” crap.

some ocs

Hello.

I thought I could doodle some dumb OCs last week to experiment with more styles.

And it’s good to take a break from fanart sometimes. :’D

These OCs were actually made accidentally from just brainstorming ideas with Rin, as always, lol. We always end up making stories and scenarios whenever we chat or talk about the most mundane of things.

The hairstyle just gets crazier probably due to ygo’s influence on me, lol but the spikes are from copious amounts of hair gel. So it’s not exactly his natural hairstyle. (And he’s a Marxist punk during a time setting that’s based on the 80s and 90s;a period that marked a destruction of the working class in the uk and in other places)

Obviously, I still have to enhance more of his design. I wanna add tattoos to the guy but its such a pain in the arse to have to keep drawing them so I’d rather not add them, haha.

Other doodles of them below:(18 yr old version and 40 yr old version)

I was actually pretty nervous posting these here because it’s not fanart but I wanna be able to post OCs here as well. ^^;;>

Hello

I’m too tired to give a detailed explanation (it’s late at night, sorry) but long story short: last week was very stressful. I didn’t see many things coming and it really piled the heck up and became too much for me to handle. ORZ

They all severely dampened by ability to pursue my goals here. I experienced one of my worst depressive episodes ever last week as well. (like feeling numb to everything, having no motivation to live and do anything, s****** attempts, those kinds of dark stuff)

But I still want to pursue them.

I will pursue them, as best as I can despite all those. I don’t want to sound like a broken recorder writing down goals that I forget and do nothing in the end but I want to persist despite all my struggles so far this year.

baby steps…

small/ simple and unfinished doodles, short comic strips, illustration, long comics….I can still make up for them this year. I can do this.

Ahhhhh i should write blog posts during daytime. Gods, my brain is deep fried atm so I can’t write as much as I want to. ORZZ

OCs

I was wondering yesterday if I should have a different account for Original stuff and fanart but I can’t think of a url for a new account atm, lol. (I’m super lame when it comes to url names).

Eh. Then again, it’s probably okay if there’s some overlap. I’ll think more about the separation of original and fanworks account-wise but as of now, I’ll be posting the former here.

Uncensored Version + NSFW talks