zzzz….

I spent so many hours today on continuing the comic and redoing /revising facial expressions, lol.

Gods, just fucking kill me, haha. All this from my friggin passion for a niche series and ship.

I’ll make a post here dedicated to the fancomic’s process pics and its BTS stuff after I’m through with it because for some reason, I can’t seem to post too many progress pics before it’s done.

It’s my fixation with avoiding spoilers, gah. I already posted a few WIP shots and I don’t want to post more because that’ll be too much (at least for me.)

Then again, I mean, it’s not like many of my followers are familiar with blood+ or are in its fandom so maybe it’s fine to post more?

hmmm….

I’ll have to alternate though. Like one day for illustrations or scribblings /doodles and the other for continuing with comics because I might end up getting super burnt out from this and I don’t wanna suffer from art fatigue again. So tomorrow, I’ll work on other stuff and then the day after, I’ll work on the comic again.

life updates, Blood+ rants and comic WIPs

last week was marked with PMS spots , mood swings and yet a high motivation to make storyboards for future comics and illustration.

Something is not adding up, lol.

Usually I spend my PMS week hating myself, everyone and everything on earth due to heavy mood swings but last week was different. Perhaps it’s me getting my mojo back after all these months of very irregular activity and deep depression. That would be a good sign that I’m recovering?

But ofc in the back of my mind, I’m still afraid of this suden enthusiasm because everytime I experience that, something very bad happens next and I know it’s super illogical to think like that, the whole “you know the world doesn’t revolve around you getting happy or not” and I know that but even so, last year was traumatising especially since it was exactly September of last year where I was getting into Blood + again….

and the rest was history.

ANYWAY, that stuff aside, I am currently into Blood + again. I’m in the midst of finishing a semi-short(?) fancomic of a postcanon AU that me and Rin created because we hate how canon treated our “blorbos” (The Schiff), haha. They are like the most disadvantaged characters in the series and yet have the most wholesome relationship towards each other. They’re just….so good. All they just wanted was to live and be happy. >v<

We were also fangirling over…a….uh… “crack” ship with Hagi, heh.

Continue reading

Refresh

Today I was rewatching two episodes of Blood+ with Rin since yesterday mostly to rehabilitate myself from my personal trauma that comes attached with this series.

The story is that I was getting into Blood + for the second time (since 2006?) last year and I was making Blood+ fancomics when I was notified of the news that my kin was in a bad condition and was getting rushed to the ICU (due to severe covid). Obviously, I had to take some time away from my hobbies because of the anxiety and depression from that and as people who’ve read my past blog posts know, my relative didn’t recover and died January of this year so it was a period of extreme grief for me and my family. I couldn’t bring myself to finish anything associated with the bad events that happened.

So yeah, I was making Blood+ comics when that happened and it’s been terribly difficult to dissociate the series from the tragic events late last year. For the past few months, everytime I thought of Blood+ and look at my thumbnail notebook where I filled it with so many comic ideas and headcanons about the series, I couldn’t help but get flashbacks of my relative being rushed to the ICU, in toxic state, etc. which always leads me to wallow in sorrow.

But I am trying to get over this…trauma. I am rewatching the entire series bit by bit and in a way, rehabilitate myself with what I associate with it. I’m no longer getting strong palpitations though I am still getting a few flashbacks and feeling sad remembering it but it’s not as bad as before. And I know the series doesn’t deserve my fears and anxiety. It’s a good series save for the comphet, haha.

And by comphet, I mean they try so goddamn hard to show that Saya’s in love with Haji and how they’re the main couple meanwhile the first episode shows this.

Kaori is her one true love and no one can deny it.

Saya has always come across as gay to me even when I was a conservative kid tbh. The series likes to show that Haji is her love interest even though Saya has no chemistry with him (and the other guys) AT ALL. The guy barely has any personality. He’s just..a hot vampire, haha. That’s pretty much it.

But Saya has always had so much chemistry with the women characters especially with Kaori. Episode 1 and there’s already so many slightly intimate moments between them, haha. As Rin said, she is a walking closet destroyer. :’D

Also..Unpopular opinion Blood C sucks so much arse compared to Blood +. And I think the reason why the former gets a reprint is because it’s friggin’ CLAMP who made it, pfft. I am so salty and pissed that Blood+ which is 1000x better doesn’t get this treatment.

oww

I got a shepherd’s strain ORZ.

I have this bad habit of wrapping some of the dog leash around my wrist during walking especially on our street where my dog just gets super excited to walk so he pulls so hard.

‘Never doing that wrapping again, gah. My wrist hurts so much now.

Wip

‘Currently grinding more art stuff. ^^ (although today was met with bad allergies that I kept sneezing and sniffing ORZ.)

I’ve been in the mood to draw lots and lots of food. I’ve been taking a break from listening to political commentaries/livestreams because they’re so stressful and depressing. I mean, I know everything is political and we can’t escape it (esp with the probability of a ww3) but I want to focus more on art, food and other things that make me relax and appreciate the good, mundane things in life even if they are just a few.

Sometimes, it’s good to switch off for mental health reasons especially now since I’m slowly recovering from the seven-month-long burnout and anxiety.

The problem with watching food videos is that they make me so hungry and crave for the food they’re making. I’m too broke to afford the ingredients and the recipes are intricate at times, lol. So ofc watching them is quite masochistic of me but at the same time, they soothe my anxiety and help me feel better.

Cooking/ Baking is like arts and science combined. Seeing how people are able to mix a variety of ingredients basing it from not just their taste and looks but also their chemical components (chemistry) to make the results impactful to all five senses is fascinating to watch. ^_^

They’re imho certainly much better than mainstream mukbangs which are my ED triggers, gah.

Soufflé Pancakes

Painting pastries or just food is relaxing. ^^

I recently ate at a Japanese cafe and tried their souffle pancake. It was SUPER delicious I just had to draw them, lol.

Above looks more like a transition from a simple colouring to a super detailed one. It was nice to experiment and play with colours as I went along with the other pancake recipes. 😀

Clutter

It’s funny how I start to feel more productive and more motivated after I clean and arrange my workspace. I never realised how much I let myself go these past few months that I left my room to be so messy and cluttered, gah.

Anyway, I celebrated my birthday a few days ago and I couldn’t help but reflect more on life and if I’m doing something worthwhile.

I ended up thinking that I’ve lost myself this year. I’ve become more anxious, more paranoid with illnesses and bad events that it’s been difficult to focus.

I could definitely say that 2022 has proven to be such a very challenging year so far. I’ve fell behind in a lot of my plans rl and art wise, and I hate myself for it. 8 months already passed by and I don’t have much to show for. It’s pathetic how I’ve let the voice of self doubt and self sabotage ruin everything by telling me whatever I do is meaningless.

There’s this quote by Chuck Palahniuk that summarises my existenstial crisis this year:

You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.”

That quote is what that voice of self doubt tells me. I can’t bring myself to do what I love like I used to because I end up becoming super self conscious about “wasting time” or wasting my life, sigh.

ah well…

maybe drawing p*rn of my ships and OCs can help..hmmm….

Discouragement and Comparison

Hello.

‘Sucks to say I had such severe depression this week. A mixture of rl stress/problems and hormones (PMDD) exacerbating the entire thing with terrible mood swings which completely zapped my motivation to do anything that’s self-care related.

Plus a heavy period since yesterday, ORZ. I was fatigued and I was lying in pain for hours today. (Even painkillers aren’t that effective nowadays, ugh.)

So…

I was confiding to Rin about my perfectionist mentality last night which hindered me from drawing as much as before(aside from Trauma). I found myself endlessly scrolling through so many amazing art because I burnt out weeks ago and I wanted to gain inspiration. Unfortunately, there’s a limit to scrolling as I found out because instead of making me inspired, it left me super unmotivated and discouraged to draw, LOL.

I felt so inadequate with my skills comparing myself to their art that I wanted to quit drawing.

What’s the point of drawing when I fucking suck and like 100000s of artists are better than me? All my art is trash and nobody likes it. I should quit.

It sounds doomer and childish, haha but I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences that. Not to mention, endlessly scrolling, telling myself ” Oh, this is for inspiration for me to draw.” thinking it was helping me when I was self-harming essentially. It was causing me more depression and anxiety making me think I need to be X type with A detail just for me to be a good artist. I was procrastinating through it, too. Instead of drawing, i just scrolled and scrolled until I felt so disgusted with my works and even myself. I was sulking and wallowing in self hatred instead of grinding.

So being desperate to stop this, I asked Rin to be my accountability buddy in the meantime. She agreed and she told me I’m currently banned from looking and scrolling through artists online. That I should be getting my inspiration from offline sources which helps more because there’s no endless scrolling option offline (art books). Hopefully, I can keep up with it. It’s been helping me today at least, to focus more on my art and our comics.

I actually was planning on writing a short apology for being inactive for more than a week but I don’t want to apologise or rather, I don’t think it’s necessary to do so.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay to not post regularly especially during this year since I still have PTSD from what happened to my relative and my beloved baby. It’s not as bad as before but it still lingers. Especially now with my birthday coming up this month I end up going into another existenstial crisis. (Birthday anxiety?)

Man, I remember being so excited for my birthdays because it was the only day where I get presents and be spoiled by my parents. Now, it ends up becoming a trigger for dreadful thoughts, lol.

I’m depressed and anxious af because admittedly, I fear aging and lacking in life. Like, not achieving as much as what’s expected for my age group and all that life script crap.

sigh… I guess the benefit of growing older is maturing and learning more about the world and society.

welp, I managed to get out of my edgy, reactionary phase, at least.

(also its late at night and I’m super dizzy from skipping dinner gah.)