The caffeine withdrawal led to my heavy fatigue today ORZ.
I slept for the entire day today. Thankfully, it’s Sunday so I can kinda excuse myself with it but still, I hate that feeling of being “unproductive”. I know rest days are important but I can’t help feeling that way.^^;;
I always need to be doing something and if I do something for relaxation, I beat myself up because I’m plagued with so much guilt of doing something so “selfish’.”‘ and so “lazy.”
I’m aware all of these are just capitalist brainwashing but it’s so hard to detach myself from that mentality especially when I’ve been indoctrinated with that belief ever since I was little.
Well, just one more day and then I can have coffee again. and I’ll be able to return to my usual productive self, lol.
fucking hurts when the anaesthesia wears off.Need to take painkillers.
And it’s just 1/2 teeth because my dentist thought that it might be too overwhelming for me especially since it’s my first time getting my teeth extracted. So I’ll probably get my second one extracted next month and I’m not looking forward for another week of eating soft foods and doing barely any exercise, lol.
The feeling of being awake while the dentist is extracting your tooth under topical anaesthesia is so weird though.
Anything that requires anaesthesia freaks me out tbh. Didn’t help Dad scared me telling me how anaesthesiology is one of the most difficult specialisations in medicine and the most critical in a surgery. Can’t have too much or too little.or else…..
….bad things happen for both the patient and the surgeon.
Gods, And I’m not even allowed to drink coffee for a few days too. The caffeine withdrawal is gonna be such a pain in the arse to deal with especially when I need to be drawing more this weekend. Storyboard, thumbnail. etc.
And I need that caffeine to keep me awake. ORZ
also forgot it’s Chinese New Year tomorrow. I was wondering why there were fireworks here, lol.
mmm not sure if I’ll draw something for it. My mind is pretty blank atm (I’m drowsy af) but maybe a simple chibi bunny/ rabbit drawing? Ryou probably cuz he’s always the sweet little bunny mascot here\.
There’s a lot of comic strips I’m in the midst of finishing, lol.
It sucks cuz that means I can’t upload as frequently as I want to but at the same time, I’m in my “comics-making mode” which is my most productive “comic creating” mental state so…..I guess that’s a good thing?
Downside is less single illustrations, unfortunately.
Hmmm..
.>__>
I want to alternate with drawing illustration and comics by assigning days for them respectively, but my main problem is my hyperfocus.
I envy artists who can still draw and post random illustrations while in the midst of creating comics because that is something I have tremendous difficulty with.
Once I start a doujin/comic, I end up being so focused on finishing it that I cannot do anything else outside of it UNLESS it’s all done, lol. I just shut everything outside of it, basically.
It has its perks with finishing goals whatnot but it’s quite bad especially if I’m making a long comic. That would mean.. weeks or months of seeming inactive because I was too fixated on finishing a 65 page doujin, haha,.
So…I’m going to find ways to deal with having that kind of attention span. One way is what I said previously with assigning days on short illustrations and comics.
Gotta do that time management thing, lol.
Anyway, dumb ramble aside, here’s some concept sketches for a comic commission. ^__^
the lighting and angle is crap, haha. Though to be fair to myself, this photo was just to show a friend in some chat about what I was doing and I didn’t want to post it online. My NY goal is to post even the messiest of WIPs and here it is.
I’ve been pretty occupied with balancing a comic commission and personal project comics so I apologise if I haven’t posted as much. ^^;;
But, since one of my NY goals is to post wips, I’ll post them on soc med…tomorrow. (because I’m too tired to get a wip shot).
One of them is NSFW though, and I might have to censor them on twitter and tumblr. Uncensored version is here ofc but yeahhh..
It is very difficult to make a nsfw comic. Gods, I had to collect a variety of references for them: BL, typical seinen hentai, etc. for me to study and…
I hate seeing ahegao faces, lol.
Or any other faces that resemble that. The very voyeuristic and exaggerated sex expressions..turns me the heck off, haha. I know anime /manga or cartoons generally exaggerate expressions (that’s what the style is for) and sex is no exception but I cannot get behind ahegao/ahegao-ish faces at all. Feels…forced? I’m not sure if that’s the right term for it but something like that.
Obviously, if you like it, that’s fine. It’s just a total buzzkill when I read hentai (and even some BL have those kinds of faces) and I see those. Like entire tongue out and some gooey expression that is hard to explain properly.
I think that’s when my support for “realism” comes in, at least when it comes to sex expressions. I want something that’s a lttle exaggerated with the typical animu blush but also an expression that’s subtle but expressive at the same time? Not over the top and very voyeuristic. Just natural-looking, more emotionally driven with soft grunts and moan and the use of body language/gestures when expressing their love and lust.
Although hentai gonna hentai. They’re pretty much known for voyeurism and heavily exaggerated sexual expressions (emotions? what emotions?) but still, they could try to lessen the use of that, haha.
I’ve been doing a “refresher” with comics since I’m quite out of practice with it and boyyy, panelling and pacing are still the most difficult parts in making comics for me. ORZ
Various Angles, perspective, composition…what a friggin’ migraine. (;△😉
But I need to improve! So I’ll have to do more studying especially since someone commissioned me to make a ygo comic for them, heh.
I have to do my best! ୧༼✿ ͡◕ д ◕͡ ༽୨
Speaking of YGO, I really miss drawing the characters especially my ships.
Blood+ is nice and all but the characters in my ships are……..pale/light skinned, lol. Not that I don’t like light-skinned characters but I really miss colouring darker skin tones. I find brown skin to be more fun to paint and shade especially when it comes to muscles.
Well, I’ll do some de-rusting sketch studies of my ygo blorbos. After all, I need to do that for the commission and I have some comic shorts of them to finish this year.
‘Exhausted from the road trip yesterday so I couldn’t write up a post, ORZ.
This won’t be long and blabbery but my main goal for this year is to draw whatever without giving a fuck, lol.
The horrible case of depression last year gave way for my bad habits to come back with a vengeance, unfortunately. Paralysing Perfectionism, lvl 9000 anxiety, etc. It was a total relapse and a really bad year for me and the way I approached art. Thankfully, I managed to heal as time went on and that helped clear my mind.
I ended up thinking what if people think it’s problematic, stupid and cringey and crack and aaaaaahhhhhhh
FUCK. THAT.
Life is too short and if people have a problem with that, they can pay me a trillion usd to stop me from drawing them. If nuclear armageddon happens by tomorrow and I don’t get to finish and post my citron comic or my hagie and kairene smut comic, I wouldn’t be able to be at peace, haha.
Jesus, why do I even think of these in the first place? Millie you’re too old for this shit. Just draw them!
I’ll post more on twitter and tumblr, especially with WIPs. I overthink a lot with WIPs and spoilers and in the end, they don’t really spoil much anyway so I won’t hesitate to post more of them online, lol.
Hmm what else..
expand the stuff I draw. I want to diversify the series I draw from and not just YGO. I mean, I’ll still draw ygo since I have some comic projects there but I also have other series I am so excited to draw especially since I think I’m already skilled to draw the characters from series I loved as a kid?
I’m not THAT skilled, I still have such a long way to go (sad!) but skilled enough to draw them compared to when I was a kid, haha. Alas, many of them don’t have a big fandom but that’s fine.
FINISH comic projects! Don’t procrastinate because of perfectionism. Perfectionism Anxiety is the number one cause for nme delaying comic works, gah. I’m sorry. But I’ll do my very best to finish comic projects even if they end up looking off to me.
Welp, those are pretty much my NY’s goals. I’ll ofc focus too on improving my art skills but that’s already a given.
Also, doodled some B+
pretty much what happens to Hagi in our AU, haha.
Gonna draw more tomorrow if period pains aren’t too pad, lol.
So in the midst of writing this blog post, the speakers outside were playing corporate Christmas songs which are annoying af. And John Lennon’s Happy Xmas (War is Over) started to play. Gods, I know that it’s an antiwar song but the friggin’ guilt trip of the first two lines lol.
“So this is Christmas. What have you done?”
Wallowed in my goddamn misery.
As if I needed to feel more guilt about not having much progress this year. >__>
Anyway,
January -> April : Extremely depressed, crying spells almost everyday, Commissions
May -> June: “Normally” depressed, dabbled into drawing random OCs, painting in my personal journal, Commissions
July -> August Playing The Sims 2 to feel better and enjoyed the lore of the series, drawing OCs, Commissions
September : Got into Blood+ again and got so invested in the Schiff particularly with Gie. Also started shipping him and Haji seriously that I started to make a doujin. Commissions
October: Finished the doujin, the first ever since 2020! Commissions
November: Drew more often, rambled …ranted constantly, grieved, got introduced to Noein, lusted after Karasu, shipped Tobi and Atori, Commissions
December: Commissions, got burnt out.
—
2022 was a super rough year for me, lol. ‘Greeted me with a friggin’ funeral.
And I forgot to draw a Christmas themed artwork again. ORZ
To be fair it’s difficult to feel that Christmas spirit when inflation is biting my arse, lol. I know I’m probably being a killjoy but I can’t be merry when all the prices of food and such are rising and becoming more unaffordable.
I do hope people still enjoyed it despite the economic downturn, like being able to be with friends and family and to rest well. I certainly did.
I was quite burnt out from doing commissions continuously this month so I needed some rest to regain my energy and ignite my motivation and passion to draw. Although, I find it difficult to draw something this month.
It’s… a complex of mine, orz.
So since December is the last month of the year, I have this “perfectionist” mindset wherein I become desperate to prove to myself and to others that I improved. So I feel like my drawings for this month should be “perfect” because if it’s not, it would shatter my ego and I would end up in despair by questioning myself.
Did I even improve this year if my December art is not good enough?
Ahhh…
I put so much pressure on myself. I really have to let that bad habit go by next year.
At least I have an art summary to post by tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. I did my first art summary last year and I liked it. It’s a good way to evaluate my art in terms of what went wrong, what went right etc. It’s good to have a post discussing about what I learned and what mistakes I observed and got rid of. It’s basically an end of year reflection but for art, haha.
It’s a shame it only took me last year to make one. I’ve just never thought of myself as a “serious artist” after all these years. I barely……never(?) partiicpate in art memes/trends because I ‘ve always been struggling with a bad case of impostor syndrome and anxiety, gah.
And it’s getting late. I’ll blog and draw more tomorrow.
pardon if I don’t make as much sense here as I’m currently sneezing for the nth time and my brain is so fried.
I want to draw but I can’t seem to do it atm probably because as the title says, I’m burnt out from the past two to three weeks of finishing commissions and other tedious yet hectic tasks. (Christmas stress)
I’ve also been getting a quite severe case of rhinitis since yesterday so it’s very difficult for me to focus and have the energy to do as much as I want to. The nonstop sneezing has made me very mentally fatigued and drowsy. Brain fog, I think? Just feeling hazy all throughout the day, being a total zombie.
ehh…
I’ll rest for this weekend. It’s the holidays so….gotta relax and have fun during those days. Perhaps I can regain more motivation and recharge my batteries through that.
I may draw some Christmas-inspired work after, who knows? (Super rare for me to draw art dedicated to Holiday/Special Occassions because I often forget to make one, lol.)
My family didn’t get to celebrate Christmas and New year last year ‘cuz..of what happened so I’m hoping that it’s a less sombre occassion now. It’s been a very rough year for us since the start of 2022 so I want to be able to be there for my family this Holiday season.
2023…I hope it’s a good year but I’m lowering my expectations for it and for the next millennia, haha…
As the old folks would say, que sera sera or Whatever will happen, will happen.
I’ll just do my best to get closer to my goals and make the stuff I want.
This year was quite a setback ngl, I was struggling with the heavy depression and anxiety that was mostly caused by my existenstial crisis. A crisis that came about after the tragedy so it was tough to be motivated to draw especially when you’re anxious about your reason for existing.
If we all die tomorrow, why should I even draw? what would I be known for? What would have been my life’s purpose? Have I fulfilled my life’s purpose? Am I wasting my life by drawing animu stuff and fangirling over little things and complaining about dumb shit in this blog? What should I do? yadda yadda…
All those emo thoughts ruminating in my head.
I only managed to pick myself up slightly by the end of August.
m i l l i e k o u 