I was discussing with Rin about our feelings of inadequacy with drawing or just art, in general.

We were talking about how, despite struggling and getting depressed over our lack of skill constantly because we compare ourselves with better artists out there, we can’t help but still…..make stuff.

Like, even if we’re in such a rut and hate our art, we don’t know what we’d do if we stopped making them permanently. It feels as if it’s so inherent to us that we cannot stop even if we force ourselves to, haha.

I mentioned previously that artists typically have a masochistic relationship towards art.

Even if:

– it despairs us to pursue the field or hobby or career because of comparison,

– it feels so hopeless and discouraging,

-it’s so frustrating that you want to tear up the artwork you drew or burn it using a flamethrower because it didn’t come out right,

you just can’t let go of the need for creating things no matter what, lol.

It’s like, I love making art but I also hate it at the same time. And perhaps that is something that non-artists don’t understand? at least, in part.

the drive to create and still pursue it even if you hate it and drives you crazy sometimes, haha.

Coincidentally, we also watched a certain episode of Gakuen Alice, a Shoujo anime I watched in my childhood and still remember fondly. (the baby chick I draw as a status avatar is actually from that series, haha) There was one scene that struck me and summarises what my relationship towards art is.

Now obviously, I won’t die if I stopped drawing, haha. And drawing doesn’t shorten my lifespan unlike Kaname (the guy the beanie dude is referring to)

but what got me was when he said that even if making stuffed dolls hurts him , he still makes it because he wants to give love and feel loved. That this was his way of pressing forward with life despite all the limitations he has physically since he’s always been sickly and languishing in isolation as a kid. He couldn’t do things that normal, able-bodied people could. But there was one thing he can do and that is his ability to put souls in stuffed toys,

He feels fortunate to have that even if it’s slowly killing him because it’s made people happy and that in turn, makes him happy and grateful for his own existence.

It’s easy to dismiss him as a masochist character and he probably is, I mean I felt bad for him when I re-watched this episode, lol.

It was frustrating to see him still keep making those dolls even if he knows it’s shortening his life but ultimately, I got where he came from because I cannot imagine myself stopping to make art. I love to draw. Aside from it being something that keeps me sane from this dystopian world, it’s also because I like to share my ideas to people, I like to make comics because I like people to feel something for an idea we envisioned that turned into a story which turned into a visual one.

But making comics is fucking hard, drawing the same character for so many pages is really exasperating let me tell ya, haha. Not to mention the neck and backaches you get for working on them for too long. I also gotta watch out for “post-comic/doujin burnout because the entire process is very exhausting. ORZ

And yet I still make them because aside from self satisfaction, I like these pictures with words to evoke emotions on whoever reads them. Be it being happy, sad or just cringing over it, lol. If it makes people feel something then I’m happy. And I’m happy to have that kind of ability/skill. 🙂

TLDR: I seriously have a thing for Woobies, lol. Kaname reminds me too much of Ryou it hurts…>.<