Personal

More than a decade later…

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So I’ve been editing some scanned photos of my old artworks as I’m decluttering and I realised one of the sketches was Irene.

damn, I’ve always loved her character since, haha.

I was feeling sad seeing those more than a decade old sketchbook images of mine. Thinking about it, my mind during those years must have been so cluttered. The drawing from 2010/11 above has heads on top of heads. Unfinished heads at that, lol.

Gods, was I so disorganised.

I didn’t even put dates on most of my sketches back then, haha. (Hence me being unsure if it was drawn in 2010 or 2011..either of those years) That’s how unserious I was with art.

And yet I compare myself with those artists I see who suddenly had such a big improvement in 1-2 years which led me to feeling more sad than the usual nostalgia sadness because I end up regretting about the years I wasted by not taking art seriously up until I joined the ygo fandom.

But of course, it would be terribly unfair for me to compare myself to those kinds of artists. I don’t know their circumstances.

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dog and rambling

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‘thought I could use my pet corgi as a reference, lol.

Anyway, I’m feeling much better than before. I’ve finally accepted the fact that my art won’t be as good as I want it to be. It doesn’t mean I will remain static and not improve but rather, accepting the reality that my art will never be perfect. And that’s okay.

I mean, why avoid drawing all because of fearing it won’t be as good as those other great artists? In the end, my perfectionism and anxiety hindered me instead of helping me improve. I was overthinking the composition, the values, colours and fixated on how everything should look ~aesthetically pleasing~ and abstract that I ended up losing interest in making art or art as a whole.

Something that I remind myself to think of are my followers who stuck with me for many years (since 2015) like Rin who became my close friend, Tai who still likes my ramblings here, Rochelle E. who still contributes to my kofi, and the rest of the cool peeps.

Rin told me that there are people like her who still liked my works even when I was a total amateur with drawing. (not knowing much of the fundamentals) and that made me teary and motivated.

Yeah, I’m a crybaby lol.

It made me realise I should let go of being perfect and that it’s okay to make mistakes. that it’s okay if my art isn’t aesthetically pleasing or abstract. What did perfectionism even do aside from making me prorastinate and hate my art? I should be open to making mistakes, to making “ugly” art. So what if it’s not aesthetics? not pretty? not perfect? not abstract?

It’s okay not to be perfect. Just keep making “shitty” art.

And that’s what I’m reminding myself now. Let myself loose with drawing. To let go of perfection. And Accepting that my art won’t be as perfect as I like it to be and yet still doing the hobby because I enjoy it and because there are messages I want to send through art.

..

Also it’s super late at night and I’ve been so groggy while typing this but it feels good and cathartic writing a self reflection here.

WIP again…

/ Ayana / Leave a comment

Hello.

I was very stressed from RL stuff yesterday so I spent my time playing Stardew today. SDV helps my soul relax with its OST, heh. :’D

I ended up getting super hungry because of the recipes there, lol. Is it me or are the food in videogames so appetising to look at? (and yes, even pixelated ones like SDV.)

Anyway,

here’s a chibi commission wip:

I’m quite happy about my activity last week. I didn’t post as frequently as my very old self but I was still able to draw and upload on a semi-regular basis. All I need to do is keep up with it, just keep drawing, and not letting anxiety and fear get the best of me and hopefully, I become as regular as before. ^^

Watercolor practice again

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Hello.

After like, two weeks of not posting any art I finally have something to show. ^^;;

I’m sooo sorry for the idleness. ORZZ

It’s not perfect. It’s fairly rough but well, that’s expected from an amateur at watercolours, lol.

Traditional media specifically painting seems to be good medium to combat my anxiety and perfectionism paralysis with art. A giant blank digital canvas is a lot more intimidating. Not to mention the numerous CSP tools and the undo button which exarcerbates my toxic perfectionist mindset.

While with painting traditionally, it gives me more permission to be imperfect and experimental because watercolour is generally a difficult medium; inherently unpredictable (esp for my newbie ass lol) and subject to a lot of different conditions such as paper type, wetness, brushes, etc.

And it’s just very therapeutic. The weather has been really crappy; super grey and rainy so it probably dampened my mood for the past week or so and I needed a therapeutic outlet. (Is it SAD?)

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Lol, I can’t believe I wrote about my PMS mood swings the other night, :’D

Anyway,

I think I’ll still be taking a social media break up until this Sunday since I have some planning, drafting, and anatomy studies to do this week. ^^ (That, and revisioning a commission.)

Anatomy, composition and values are my huge weaknesses so I thought aside from only revisioning the commission, I could dedicate a few days to also focus on evaluating and bettering my skills.

storyboard/thumbnail and dumb reflections

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Some storyboard of a future comic strip featuring my OTP. <333 (I miss drawing them so much!)

I censored the screen and speech balloons to avoid spoilers lol but it’s obviously a gag comic. I’ve been opting for a B6 Midori notebook, I find that the smaller notebook, the better and easier the flow of thoughts especially when it comes to thumbnailing for future comics/doujins.

When I was looking through my old works, specifically from 2009 up to 2019, I realised how chaotic and messy I was when it came to drawing. I only started having “fixed” sketchbooks when my laptop broke down in 2017. And by fixed I mean, drawing on a sketchbook consistently and less sloppy when it came to the sketch positions and placement in a page.

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Memento Mori

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It was fun exchanging art and comic ideas with Rin today and I told her I wanted to draw them but I get anxious if people will hate it and deem it as “bad.”

The typical social media anxiety stuff, lol.

And I remember a quote in Austin Kleon’s book, “Keep Going.” (I highly recommend reading all three books of the series including Steal Like an Artist and Show your Work if you haven’t read them yet. ^^)

I’m reminded of how short life is. Like today, I received the news that a long time neighbour of mine was diagnosed with cancer after just dealing with COVID. This news brought shivers down my spine because…cancer. It prompted me to think of my own mortality.

(CW: death, depression, suicide)

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