cold

this strip is two days old but I’ll post it here, lol.

From what I’ve seen today Twitter is still okay. Although I’ve heard that we’re gonna see it slowly dying a week or so from now?

I dunno all the details but it did shoot itself on the foot ‘cuz the new owner is a total twat.

welp.

I only use my milliekou twitter for art and my other personal twitter for news and memes, lol.

I don’t think I’m affected that much since all my thoughts are in this blog and sometimes on tumblr. TBH, I’ve never been a fan of twitter’s interface when it comes to jotting down ideas personally because…. I talk too much haha.

I don’t like having to cut my rambles and turn it into a thread because they’d look so disorganised. If I want to rant to my heart’s desire continuously with no thread number, I want one blog post dedicated to all the crap I spout, haha.

What bothers me though was seeing people on twitter mention how twitter is going to die like tumblr.

uhhh

These people clearly haven’t been on tumblr lol.

They just love to say it’s dead. Sure, it’s not as big as it was in 2012 or smth but it’s far from dead. Lots of people are still in there and posting stuff, wth are they smoking?

As a sidenote, I really have come to dislike those who love to claim X is dead or dying or “rise and fall of (insert generational trend/genre/platform that was big in 2010 )”. Esp with genres. These are FRIGGIN genres. They don’t fucking die. They just fall in and out of fashion. Dropping off being mainstream for a while. A cycling ebb and flow.

Honestly, just use “Rise and Fall of Prominence” instead of just assuming something is dead because it wasn’t as hyped and big as it was back then. >__>

Anyway yeahhhh…twitter is in the toilet. But hasn’t been flushed yet.

In other news, I’ve been struggling with a bad cold for the entire day. I miss being a child and wanting to have colds so I can miss school lol but now, they come at inconvenient times and are such a pain the arse to deal with.

masochism…probably

I was discussing with Rin about our feelings of inadequacy with drawing or just art, in general.

We were talking about how, despite struggling and getting depressed over our lack of skill constantly because we compare ourselves with better artists out there, we can’t help but still…..make stuff.

Like, even if we’re in such a rut and hate our art, we don’t know what we’d do if we stopped making them permanently. It feels as if it’s so inherent to us that we cannot stop even if we force ourselves to, haha.

I mentioned previously that artists typically have a masochistic relationship towards art.

Even if:

– it despairs us to pursue the field or hobby or career because of comparison,

– it feels so hopeless and discouraging,

-it’s so frustrating that you want to tear up the artwork you drew or burn it using a flamethrower because it didn’t come out right,

you just can’t let go of the need for creating things no matter what, lol.

It’s like, I love making art but I also hate it at the same time. And perhaps that is something that non-artists don’t understand? at least, in part.

the drive to create and still pursue it even if you hate it and drives you crazy sometimes, haha.

Coincidentally, we also watched a certain episode of Gakuen Alice, a Shoujo anime I watched in my childhood and still remember fondly. (the baby chick I draw as a status avatar is actually from that series, haha) There was one scene that struck me and summarises what my relationship towards art is.

Now obviously, I won’t die if I stopped drawing, haha. And drawing doesn’t shorten my lifespan unlike Kaname (the guy the beanie dude is referring to)

but what got me was when he said that even if making stuffed dolls hurts him , he still makes it because he wants to give love and feel loved. That this was his way of pressing forward with life despite all the limitations he has physically since he’s always been sickly and languishing in isolation as a kid. He couldn’t do things that normal, able-bodied people could. But there was one thing he can do and that is his ability to put souls in stuffed toys,

He feels fortunate to have that even if it’s slowly killing him because it’s made people happy and that in turn, makes him happy and grateful for his own existence.

It’s easy to dismiss him as a masochist character and he probably is, I mean I felt bad for him when I re-watched this episode, lol.

It was frustrating to see him still keep making those dolls even if he knows it’s shortening his life but ultimately, I got where he came from because I cannot imagine myself stopping to make art. I love to draw. Aside from it being something that keeps me sane from this dystopian world, it’s also because I like to share my ideas to people, I like to make comics because I like people to feel something for an idea we envisioned that turned into a story which turned into a visual one.

But making comics is fucking hard, drawing the same character for so many pages is really exasperating let me tell ya, haha. Not to mention the neck and backaches you get for working on them for too long. I also gotta watch out for “post-comic/doujin burnout because the entire process is very exhausting. ORZ

And yet I still make them because aside from self satisfaction, I like these pictures with words to evoke emotions on whoever reads them. Be it being happy, sad or just cringing over it, lol. If it makes people feel something then I’m happy. And I’m happy to have that kind of ability/skill. 🙂

TLDR: I seriously have a thing for Woobies, lol. Kaname reminds me too much of Ryou it hurts…>.<

what in the ever loving f***?! [ B+ rant]

So I was translating or rather, loosely translating the Material Settings book 2 of BLOOD+ using DeepL (cuz I’m too lazy to translate it myself) and oh friggin’ boy, I have never been so pissed on an interview, lol.

I’m exaggerating but I am still very furious with Fujisaku’s responses or as I would call, revelations on why he killed off my blorbos.

Anyway, the interview I’m referring to is page 82-83 of book 2.

Going to copy-paste the important highlights of the interview where I got so angry on.

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

Continue reading

blabla

Hearkening back at my previous post on fansites, I mentioned about how people generally have to put up a persona and or to post their highlights online which was quite a far cry from the old, wild west of the internet. I hope nobody mistook it as me saying that everyone is being fake. ^^;;

It’s a general thing and not something that everyone does, of course. There are still people especially on tumblr who post as if it’s their journal. But yeah, my theory with the old internet was that not everyone was using the internet back then that’s why people were ..more “authentic”? (though many were also openly rude and bigoted. Lots of slurs being said so casually so it wasn’t a paradise, pfft.)

I recall hearing from older people since I was still a kid at that time and I was quite unaware with many things except fandom and games, lol. that it was usually the geeks/nerds/outcasts who posted on the internet hence, why they weren’t bothered with highlights. It was a way where they can share their passion to fellow”nerds” in other parts of the world. I’m not sure if it’s 100% true but it does make sense to want to only post your hightlights especially when everyone including your parents and work/classmates are on the internet. You’d obviously wanna impress them and not show the “bad” side. Nobody is immune to that. It’s in our instinct to please others.

And my remark with people needing to earn mostly applies to people who rely on their branding for a living. They need their branding to be “pure” to their profile because one little mistake, and it could cost you some customers or clients. But even that applies to many people now.

I’m not immune from the people pleasing, either. I wish I was, lol. I tell myself to not give a fuck but it’s so difficult not to, ngl. ( ;__; )

Speaking of impressing people, some examples where I try to hide my “bad” or ‘real” side is when I sugarcoat some posts here like when I say I wasn’t feeling mentally well, what happened irl is usually much worse like having a mental breakdown and crying before sleeping and even attempting su*c*de, lol.

Another one would be ranting here but my tumblr and twitter would have none of that (they are mostly art) because I’m too scared of having eyes judging me on what I’m saying and I feel more free to speak my mind here.

AND even in this blog, I sometimes still get so self conscious with what I post that I end up not posting as many text/rambles/blurbs anymore. (Paying 40 USD a year for a site where I barely post anything is a waste of money thinking about it, gahhh.)

That is what I struggle with but I’m trying to curb that overly anxious behaviour.

But something that struck me recently was when Rin told me that when she read my last 2-3 posts (gushing about B+ haha), it looked like that I was having fun again. It’s the first time that she’s seen me so happy and excited in years. I thought about that for a while and she’s right. I get so giddy when I think of my ships and of the AU we made. It’s an old and niche series but I love it. I don’t care if it ain’t mainstream or super popular. I love the characters so much and I’m regaining my passion with drawing again.

And hearing those words from Rin, it made me more motivated to share more posts where I just gush about stuff and not caring if they’re”good enough.”

Besides, it’s not like many people come to this site anyway, haha so I can gush when I want to. ╮(╯▽╰)╭

TLDR; I need to get my money’s worth with this blog by not being excessively self conscious, LMAO.

assumptions

Sometimes I get so amazed on how professional mangaka tend to publish chapters weekly and then I remember they have a bunch of assistants working for them, lol.

I always seem to forget that part because they (the assistants) often don’t get credited in the title cover. It’s usually the mangaka themselves that are only in the main credits which is a shame because…well, I think assistants need to be credited and also, as a kid it gave me the wrong impression on productivity. I used to think mangaka artists worked alone and can make comics so fast that they can upload in a weekly schedule, which is super hellish.

The reason why I’m talking about this random thing is because I feel frustrated at how long it’s getting me to finish a slightly short fancomic, ORZ. I know I shouldn’t compare because I work by myself most of the time and I’m not making comics as a job. (Though Rin helps with 3d assets and sketching storyboards when I have difficulty coming up with them.) but still I hate how slow I’ve become.

Thankfully, I’m done with all of it except the cover image, lol. Cover images are always the last part of the doujin process for me and unfortunately, they are very difficult to think of because it has to reflect the entire premise of the comic in one illustration. Let’s not even get to the part with graphic design and having to find the right title font for it, haha. I’m not exactly skilled in the graphic design area but I’m tdoing my best to improve and learn more. It’s just such a pain in the arse to find which font and font style suits the cover image. :/

ah well.

I’m feeling super sleepy so I have to head to bed. I have a lot of stuff to ramble about here in this dumb blogsite this week. I just need to blog earlier than the usual and not past my bedtime schedule, lol.

Refresh

Today I was rewatching two episodes of Blood+ with Rin since yesterday mostly to rehabilitate myself from my personal trauma that comes attached with this series.

The story is that I was getting into Blood + for the second time (since 2006?) last year and I was making Blood+ fancomics when I was notified of the news that my kin was in a bad condition and was getting rushed to the ICU (due to severe covid). Obviously, I had to take some time away from my hobbies because of the anxiety and depression from that and as people who’ve read my past blog posts know, my relative didn’t recover and died January of this year so it was a period of extreme grief for me and my family. I couldn’t bring myself to finish anything associated with the bad events that happened.

So yeah, I was making Blood+ comics when that happened and it’s been terribly difficult to dissociate the series from the tragic events late last year. For the past few months, everytime I thought of Blood+ and look at my thumbnail notebook where I filled it with so many comic ideas and headcanons about the series, I couldn’t help but get flashbacks of my relative being rushed to the ICU, in toxic state, etc. which always leads me to wallow in sorrow.

But I am trying to get over this…trauma. I am rewatching the entire series bit by bit and in a way, rehabilitate myself with what I associate with it. I’m no longer getting strong palpitations though I am still getting a few flashbacks and feeling sad remembering it but it’s not as bad as before. And I know the series doesn’t deserve my fears and anxiety. It’s a good series save for the comphet, haha.

And by comphet, I mean they try so goddamn hard to show that Saya’s in love with Haji and how they’re the main couple meanwhile the first episode shows this.

Kaori is her one true love and no one can deny it.

Saya has always come across as gay to me even when I was a conservative kid tbh. The series likes to show that Haji is her love interest even though Saya has no chemistry with him (and the other guys) AT ALL. The guy barely has any personality. He’s just..a hot vampire, haha. That’s pretty much it.

But Saya has always had so much chemistry with the women characters especially with Kaori. Episode 1 and there’s already so many slightly intimate moments between them, haha. As Rin said, she is a walking closet destroyer. :’D

Also..Unpopular opinion Blood C sucks so much arse compared to Blood +. And I think the reason why the former gets a reprint is because it’s friggin’ CLAMP who made it, pfft. I am so salty and pissed that Blood+ which is 1000x better doesn’t get this treatment.

Wip

‘Currently grinding more art stuff. ^^ (although today was met with bad allergies that I kept sneezing and sniffing ORZ.)

I’ve been in the mood to draw lots and lots of food. I’ve been taking a break from listening to political commentaries/livestreams because they’re so stressful and depressing. I mean, I know everything is political and we can’t escape it (esp with the probability of a ww3) but I want to focus more on art, food and other things that make me relax and appreciate the good, mundane things in life even if they are just a few.

Sometimes, it’s good to switch off for mental health reasons especially now since I’m slowly recovering from the seven-month-long burnout and anxiety.

The problem with watching food videos is that they make me so hungry and crave for the food they’re making. I’m too broke to afford the ingredients and the recipes are intricate at times, lol. So ofc watching them is quite masochistic of me but at the same time, they soothe my anxiety and help me feel better.

Cooking/ Baking is like arts and science combined. Seeing how people are able to mix a variety of ingredients basing it from not just their taste and looks but also their chemical components (chemistry) to make the results impactful to all five senses is fascinating to watch. ^_^

They’re imho certainly much better than mainstream mukbangs which are my ED triggers, gah.