More than a decade later…

So I’ve been editing some scanned photos of my old artworks as I’m decluttering and I realised one of the sketches was Irene.

damn, I’ve always loved her character since, haha.

I was feeling sad seeing those more than a decade old sketchbook images of mine. Thinking about it, my mind during those years must have been so cluttered. The drawing from 2010/11 above has heads on top of heads. Unfinished heads at that, lol.

Gods, was I so disorganised.

I didn’t even put dates on most of my sketches back then, haha. (Hence me being unsure if it was drawn in 2010 or 2011..either of those years) That’s how unserious I was with art.

And yet I compare myself with those artists I see who suddenly had such a big improvement in 1-2 years which led me to feeling more sad than the usual nostalgia sadness because I end up regretting about the years I wasted by not taking art seriously up until I joined the ygo fandom.

But of course, it would be terribly unfair for me to compare myself to those kinds of artists. I don’t know their circumstances.

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december burnout

I’m so tired, ORZ

pardon if I don’t make as much sense here as I’m currently sneezing for the nth time and my brain is so fried.

I want to draw but I can’t seem to do it atm probably because as the title says, I’m burnt out from the past two to three weeks of finishing commissions and other tedious yet hectic tasks. (Christmas stress)

I’ve also been getting a quite severe case of rhinitis since yesterday so it’s very difficult for me to focus and have the energy to do as much as I want to. The nonstop sneezing has made me very mentally fatigued and drowsy. Brain fog, I think? Just feeling hazy all throughout the day, being a total zombie.

ehh…

I’ll rest for this weekend. It’s the holidays so….gotta relax and have fun during those days. Perhaps I can regain more motivation and recharge my batteries through that.

I may draw some Christmas-inspired work after, who knows? (Super rare for me to draw art dedicated to Holiday/Special Occassions because I often forget to make one, lol.)

My family didn’t get to celebrate Christmas and New year last year ‘cuz..of what happened so I’m hoping that it’s a less sombre occassion now. It’s been a very rough year for us since the start of 2022 so I want to be able to be there for my family this Holiday season.

2023…I hope it’s a good year but I’m lowering my expectations for it and for the next millennia, haha…

As the old folks would say, que sera sera or Whatever will happen, will happen.

I’ll just do my best to get closer to my goals and make the stuff I want.

This year was quite a setback ngl, I was struggling with the heavy depression and anxiety that was mostly caused by my existenstial crisis. A crisis that came about after the tragedy so it was tough to be motivated to draw especially when you’re anxious about your reason for existing.

If we all die tomorrow, why should I even draw? what would I be known for? What would have been my life’s purpose? Have I fulfilled my life’s purpose? Am I wasting my life by drawing animu stuff and fangirling over little things and complaining about dumb shit in this blog? What should I do? yadda yadda…

All those emo thoughts ruminating in my head.

I only managed to pick myself up slightly by the end of August.

Welp.

better late than never, I guess.

Atori x Tobi [ Noein ]

Hello.

Sorry for being quite inactive. ^^;;

I was under a lot of stress from last week’s crappy errands, ORZ.

Thinking about it, that high level of stress must have caused the bad cold I had for the entire weekend which led to heavy grogginess. ://

Anyway,

I thought of posting some month old doodles of Atori and Tobi from Noein. I meant to post them last November but I forgot, gah.

Seeing the doodles again after a few weeks made me cringe a bit, haha. They look so off.

I need to get my hand on their settei for referencing their designs because they can be quite inconsistent in the anime. >.<

Nevertheless, they’re my OTP in Noein, lol. They seem to have the same dynamic as deathshipping with Atori (tall blonde) looking so goddamn ugly to me with his crazy facial expressions early in the anime but ended up being so cutesy later on that I got so fond of him, haha. While Tobi is such a precious nerdy creampuff like Ryou.

I can’t believe Tobi’s 21 years old, but knowing the director, Kazuki Akane, he doesn’t think in that kind of way, (thank god)

From what I’ve seen in Noein, (which I finished a week ago) and …

spoiler alert:

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worry

Thank god the period hell days are over, lol. The cramps weren’t as bad as the usual but that was because I was popping some painkillers every four to seven hours, pfft. But that was just for two days only. I don’t want to end up getting addicted to painkillers, gah. My sister mentioned that if the pain is tolerable, there’s no need to use them.

But I don’t think I can classify mine as tolerable, haha. especially for the first two days (even up to three days) because aside from the exxcruciating cramps, I also get nausea, dizziness and heavy fatigue/weakness.

I’m basically bedridden during those days if I don’t take any painkillers earlier on. :/

Eh, I’ll try not to get too dependent on them. I only take three (200 mg in 1 pill) on average anyway,

Moving to art stuff,

I’m currently finishing three illustrations for this week. And while I was quite weak yesterday, I read some comic books and studied them. I’m still having difficulty in understanding some aspects which is frustrating but I’m doing my best to learn more about my favourite artists’ techniques.

I was also reading some citron, death ang angst shipping comic scripts in my notes app right after the brief comic study session and it made me realise how I procrastinated so much from turning these scripts into comics/doujinshi because of my toxic perfectionist mindset. I was too anxious to make them because I felt…lacking in comic creation. That I was too unskilled and I needed to be “good enough” to make them but of course, how can I get better if I don’t do it?

It’s kind of where my GAD manifests and self sabotages me because it’s that crippling anxiety where I imagine a whole slew of negative, worrying thoughts CONSTANTLY. Like people will think my works are ugly so what’s the point, ORZ. And that if my works don’t reach my expectations, then it’s not worth making or posting. And that ultimately leads to me procrastinating more and leaving the scripts to rot in my notes without seeing the light of day.

I feel like as the years went by, I became more self conscious about what I posted which is good in some ways because back in 2015, I posted like, the dumbest and most nonsensical crap a lot of times lol. (Though I was young, naive and plain immature) But this… excessive self consciousness that gradually took over hindered me from experimenting on different styles and expressing more of myself.

I….wasn’t as creative and wild as before because of the self-imposed restrictions.

Certain ideas that I have for comics, I got too scared of drawing them because aside from having a perfectionist mindset regarding the technical aspect of art, I ask myself what would people think of me for drawing this? Is it “problematic”? Is it going to be bad for my “branding” or rep?

And that’s another thing, lol. “Self branding” or the concept now of “self branding”

..godsssss they always say be smart about what you post because it might ruin your reputation or smth like that especially in a world where everyone is online and yet I’m so friggin’ tired of it all.

I just want to be able to draw stuff and express my ideas without being so worried, without that “self-branding” thing even though I’m not even a brand but I feel pressured to be one because according to my anxiety-filled head, everyone else is doing it so why am I not doing it? >.<

BAH. it’s hard to explain it.

….

then again, I keep seeing some comic writers and artists have some petty drama/arguments on twitter over such small, dumb crap so….

I mean, back in 2015-2016 I’d be all over for online drama, haha but growing older, I just avoid them and mind my own business Maybe it’s because I’m too tired for that cuz…. life and stupid obligations, >__>

But yeah, how is a comic idea going to be that bad compared to public twitter dramas ?

welp.

This ended up becoming more of a rant hating on my anxiety rather than what my main intention for posting today which is just meant to be a small, short update of me being occupied with finishing some remaining commissions, lol.

cold

this strip is two days old but I’ll post it here, lol.

From what I’ve seen today Twitter is still okay. Although I’ve heard that we’re gonna see it slowly dying a week or so from now?

I dunno all the details but it did shoot itself on the foot ‘cuz the new owner is a total twat.

welp.

I only use my milliekou twitter for art and my other personal twitter for news and memes, lol.

I don’t think I’m affected that much since all my thoughts are in this blog and sometimes on tumblr. TBH, I’ve never been a fan of twitter’s interface when it comes to jotting down ideas personally because…. I talk too much haha.

I don’t like having to cut my rambles and turn it into a thread because they’d look so disorganised. If I want to rant to my heart’s desire continuously with no thread number, I want one blog post dedicated to all the crap I spout, haha.

What bothers me though was seeing people on twitter mention how twitter is going to die like tumblr.

uhhh

These people clearly haven’t been on tumblr lol.

They just love to say it’s dead. Sure, it’s not as big as it was in 2012 or smth but it’s far from dead. Lots of people are still in there and posting stuff, wth are they smoking?

As a sidenote, I really have come to dislike those who love to claim X is dead or dying or “rise and fall of (insert generational trend/genre/platform that was big in 2010 )”. Esp with genres. These are FRIGGIN genres. They don’t fucking die. They just fall in and out of fashion. Dropping off being mainstream for a while. A cycling ebb and flow.

Honestly, just use “Rise and Fall of Prominence” instead of just assuming something is dead because it wasn’t as hyped and big as it was back then. >__>

Anyway yeahhhh…twitter is in the toilet. But hasn’t been flushed yet.

In other news, I’ve been struggling with a bad cold for the entire day. I miss being a child and wanting to have colds so I can miss school lol but now, they come at inconvenient times and are such a pain the arse to deal with.

what in the ever loving f***?! [ B+ rant]

So I was translating or rather, loosely translating the Material Settings book 2 of BLOOD+ using DeepL (cuz I’m too lazy to translate it myself) and oh friggin’ boy, I have never been so pissed on an interview, lol.

I’m exaggerating but I am still very furious with Fujisaku’s responses or as I would call, revelations on why he killed off my blorbos.

Anyway, the interview I’m referring to is page 82-83 of book 2.

Going to copy-paste the important highlights of the interview where I got so angry on.

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

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Of 2000s fansites…

I was feeling nostalgic for the old wild west internet in the 2000s. It made me feel blessed that I was able to still remember when the internet wasn’t corporatised and when people were honest with their feelings in a way?

Like, not just showing the highlight reels or a cute ~aesthetic~ workplace, but just showing whatever because they found them interesting regardless if it’s aesthetic or not.

Now obviously some people became too personal, haha and aired their bad laundry out there but then again, nothing was perfect.

I’m not saying everyone now in the internet is being fake but it is a fact that many, if not all people nowadays are focused on branding (profilicity) and impressing others and I get it. People need to make ends meet especially with the economic recession now but it makes me wish that I could go back in time and appreciate and archive websites I used to browse as a kid.

Most would be fansites of ships and anime series I loved.

Ahh, fansites.

It’s A LOT of work, haha.

Back when there wasn’t an “official” wikia for so many anime series and when social media wasn’t a big thing yet, fans would make websites (usually html coded ones) for their favourite ship, character or series. Fansites were quite diverse in their purpose. Some were info/wikia-like sites; just giving out the general information of the series. Some fansites were dedicated to a single character (often called a “shrine”, lol.), a group of characters, a ship, etc.

The first fansite I followed was some Hoennshipping fansite I stumbled in google results because as a kid, I was so in love with May and Brendan being a couple. Eventually, I learned the term “shipping” and pokemon ship names from bulbapedia. Turns out, May and Brendan as a couple is called, “Hoennshipping.”

It all started from there with me being some shadow in the internet constantly searching for more content and info on my favourite anime series and characters. And with that, came the endless stumbling upon so many fansites. The individuality and creativity that these fans had was wonderful and inspiring to see. Yeah, some of ’em were elitist, some of ’em were petty but those were still wacky, fun times.

I’m not saying wikias are bad. They are very useful for info ofc but they’re super clunky. For example, when you click on the search box esp on the B+ wikia, they load a list of pages and only then can you search. Additionally, just the idea of a corporation/company that likes to call themselves “Fandom” is quite dubious.

One thing that I liked from fansites was their Independence. You can upload what you want, as you want. No dumb formatting rules or wiki politics like power users who want to run it like their own petty fiefdom. And Wikia can’t up and pull the plug on you or force it to be designed around their corporate layout.

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ft

I was listening/watching to the Fairy Tail anime on Netflix as I was working on stuff and I would have never thought hearing its OST in the background would make me tearful from the nostalgia, LOL.

It’s actually been so many years since I dropped the manga/anime. I think it was during the Grand Magic Games arc? (The arc after the Tenrou Island thing).

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