YO!

‘Was pretty inactive last week. ‘Sorry about that. ORZ

Good news is, I managed to avoid doomscrolling on twitter, heh.

…..I forgot about my phone having a Screentime limit, bahahaha….

ahh..I’m such a dinosaur.

I didn’t even know it existed. I got so jaded with apple fucking everyone over I thought they’d be too greedy to put a screentime limit feature or something along the likes of that, lol. (I’m so cynical.)

According to the screen time app, I spent about 26 minutes on twitter last week so that’s a big change from two hours two weeks ago.

On a related note, there was this tweet I read from the Elon twat a while ago saying that you can’t be eligible in the for you section (probably the entire algorithm as a whole) if you are not verified starting from April 15. The same requirement is needed to vote in polls all because they can address ai bots swarming the site.

It was irksome to read this morning and quite a strange way of saying that they’re too incompetent to get rid of bots in their own site, lol.

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if we need twitter blue to just access the basic features of twitter like posting a tweet, lol. (or like, there’s only a limit of tweets you can post every week or smth)

11 USD monthly! ‘Such a blatant cashgrab and a great way to kill the platform, Elon, tch.

Personally, I don’t think I’d pay that for a site that doesn’t allow me to curate my feed, and has ads and ..bigotry everywhere. And from my experience with the app since a few months ago, twitter has been crashing more than the usual.

smh.

Anyway, sorry for the rant, haha.

Here are some random doods:

Michel and Giselle from Fata Morgana <33333

and me ship, hehe. <33333

Clip Studio Shite (rant)

UPDATE [15 MARCH 2023 / 10:58 am ]: I My brain was mush when I typed this lol, I initially mentioned about CSP upgrade that cost 40 USD would come with access to features that’ll last a year but it’s not. You can buy EX 2.0 upgrade but it won’t come with that access so you willl have to subscribe to th EX Update Pass to get them tch.

I’m very disappointed.

…and annoyed.

This is old news as I knew of CSP’s crappy subscription plan months ago when they announced it but I was hoping that they’d backtrack on it in the last minute given how there was a huge uproar in the artist community when the announcement came but alas, they did not. >_>

Gods, I despise capitalism with all my heart.

So I bought CSP EX years ago, the one time purchase/perpetual license which cost like almost 200 USD so it’s quite insulting that they’re offering their upgrade at a high price of 40 USD. They call it a discount but …I dunno what world they live in where 40 USD is a low price for license owners. They’re supposed to be a free upgrade for us license owners in the first place.

Continue reading

pig

I was suffering from some period cramps yesterday (god, sucks to have periods lol) so I thought of playing some FataMoru. I’m currently at the third door and just a few minutes in, this character has already earned my ire and resentment, lol.

This door takes place in the Victorian era, late 19th century so period of rapid industrialisation and you had these fucking scum exploiting the hell out of the poor and working class. Wait, what am I talking about? It still happens to this day, lol.

This is something I really love about FataMoru. All too often, Anime/manga and just media in general love to romanticise the rich aristocrats and nobility, always making them look so fancy and pretty, have stories almost often revolve around them. If there’s a poor person, it’s almost always very individualistic with them marrying to the upper ecehlons of society/ monarchy and “Living Happily ever after.” Never mind the other poor people who are propping their luxurious lifestyles up with their taxes, haha (esp in the case of monarchies).

bleh! (ノ`Д´)ノ~┻━┻

FataMoru actually is very critical of the rich. You can see how the poor characters criticise some of the rich characters like them being able to be kind, polite and gentle when the poor cannot because of their material conditions. Even a poor lad in the VN mentions how it’s so easy to say to move out of a place when you have money but if you’re impoverished or not well-off, it would be difficult to even move out and let go of the place you grew up in.

Honestly, it was so refreshing seeing that. History and the media tend to often overlook the peasants, the serfs, the colonised people, the slaves and always prop up the rich and royalty. Even until now, people still love to romanticise Marie Antoinette and other versailles crap. I’m like, gods…..why?! smh.

Or like the Romanov family which I mean, sucks that the entire family was killed but like, nobody cares what brought about the revolution. Like how the Russian peasants (who were the majority of the country mind you lol) have had enough of their monarchy just sending them to all die in a war they didn’t even want and letting them starve and suffer so much while they live in luxury. Mainstream Historians love to gloss over that and instead, focus on the oh-so-poor, poor rich royal parasites living off sooo extravagantly on the backs of the suffering workers. (;¬_¬)

(Rin even mentioned that in the UK, they’re mostly taught of the royal inbreds’ lives and not much of the imperialism that Britain subjected to so many countries around the world. ugh.)

It’s utterly disgusting and it’s a huge sign that history when being taught generally needs to be reformed or changed, imho. There needs to be a huge emphasis on the class struggle. Something that begets class consciousness and solidarity among the working and poor people.

TLDR; I’m sick and tired of this constant glorification of opulence and the rich which is why I adore this VN, lol.

That, and the VN kinda had a “couple” that had so much deathshipping vibes it made me realise that I should resume with the AUU. How long has it been since I last update it? two years, gah. (๏д๏)

So much deathshipping vibes earlier on. I’m like, man, just keep giving it to me make me more inspired to finish that story haha.

໒( ♥ ◡ ♥ )७

Yo.

I was supposed to blog last night but my computer crashed so I had to let Rin post for me on twitter and tumblr. ORZ

If only I did not have to update Windows. It’s been getting so slow, lately. fucking bastard of an OS.

Anyway,

I’ve been getting into a Visual Novel called, Fata Morgana no Yakata / The House in Fata Morgana and so far, it’s been super amazing with the characters and twists in the story! (❤️´艸`❤️)

I really recommend this if you’re into gothic horror. ^^

Women with noses! I barely see that in seinen moe anime, lol.(dots for noses, lmao. hate that crap.)

Joke aside, I love their art style so much!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Unfortunately,this VN is….criminally obscure. ORZZZZ

Gods, why the heck do I always get into obscure series?

Maybe cuz obscure ones are often much better than mainstream ones AHAHAHA (≧∀≦)

That’s not exactly a hot take but I feel like saying that would make me come off as a hippie or some edgelord. IDGAF. It be true, though from my experience. >_>

Precious hidden gems, I tell you! 😤

The strip below is another old idea spawned from a chat about me and Rin disliking this godawful trope that’s overused in anime.

It was Rin’s idea to use Superman and Batman, lol. But really, I almost always see it with girl characters in anime and you can say, Oh, well guy characters do that in Yaoi/R18 manga but the skinship grope trope is even in anime series that are not even meant to be sexual, in shonen anime for example. It’s as if it’s a requirement in every hot spring episode for girls to fucking grope each other without consent and in such a voyeuristic manner too.

And it’s funny becaue from my personal experience as a woman, when we’re in the bathroom or”locker room”, nobody gropes each other in that way. Nobody makes such a huge fuss if one of my classmates had really big boobs. Yeah, there’d be some remark on how “lucky” they are but it would just be one statement and we’d often jump to another non sexual topic. They won’t grope you all of a sudden. We just mind our own business and talk about random topics.

I wonder if it’s the male writer, and it’s usually them who project that “dick measuring” stuff to women. Or just an excuse to have a voyeuristic fanservice scene.

Hmm…Both.

Well, if they’re going to do that, at least do the same for the men with them groping each other’s schlongs and remarking how girthy or long they are but ofc they don’t. (¬_¬ )

(And don’t friggin’ tell me showing a guy half naked with abs has the same degree of fanservice to crotch/arse shots and the jiggling breasts of women. You don’t even see the male equivalent of the BWH measurements that they often give to women characters in anime. Gods, I hate it when some guy anime fans always bring that argument up ( ˘︹˘ ))

And yes, anime is not supposed to be realistic all the time and tropes are tropes because it builds stories and I agree with that but this kind of trope is well, annoying, gross and turns me off everytime I see it. It’s also uneccessary.

Miyazaki was right, hahaha.

another rant, haha. Whoops!

I got carried away.

I was also working on the comic commission last weekend. I had to ask for more clarification from my client in one part of her comic strip and had some difficulty with storyboarding some scenarios but I’m nearly one with the thumbnailing, thankfully. (‾◡◝)

That’s all I can say for today, welp. Need to grind some more. ^^

More than a decade later…

So I’ve been editing some scanned photos of my old artworks as I’m decluttering and I realised one of the sketches was Irene.

damn, I’ve always loved her character since, haha.

I was feeling sad seeing those more than a decade old sketchbook images of mine. Thinking about it, my mind during those years must have been so cluttered. The drawing from 2010/11 above has heads on top of heads. Unfinished heads at that, lol.

Gods, was I so disorganised.

I didn’t even put dates on most of my sketches back then, haha. (Hence me being unsure if it was drawn in 2010 or 2011..either of those years) That’s how unserious I was with art.

And yet I compare myself with those artists I see who suddenly had such a big improvement in 1-2 years which led me to feeling more sad than the usual nostalgia sadness because I end up regretting about the years I wasted by not taking art seriously up until I joined the ygo fandom.

But of course, it would be terribly unfair for me to compare myself to those kinds of artists. I don’t know their circumstances.

Continue reading

december burnout

I’m so tired, ORZ

pardon if I don’t make as much sense here as I’m currently sneezing for the nth time and my brain is so fried.

I want to draw but I can’t seem to do it atm probably because as the title says, I’m burnt out from the past two to three weeks of finishing commissions and other tedious yet hectic tasks. (Christmas stress)

I’ve also been getting a quite severe case of rhinitis since yesterday so it’s very difficult for me to focus and have the energy to do as much as I want to. The nonstop sneezing has made me very mentally fatigued and drowsy. Brain fog, I think? Just feeling hazy all throughout the day, being a total zombie.

ehh…

I’ll rest for this weekend. It’s the holidays so….gotta relax and have fun during those days. Perhaps I can regain more motivation and recharge my batteries through that.

I may draw some Christmas-inspired work after, who knows? (Super rare for me to draw art dedicated to Holiday/Special Occassions because I often forget to make one, lol.)

My family didn’t get to celebrate Christmas and New year last year ‘cuz..of what happened so I’m hoping that it’s a less sombre occassion now. It’s been a very rough year for us since the start of 2022 so I want to be able to be there for my family this Holiday season.

2023…I hope it’s a good year but I’m lowering my expectations for it and for the next millennia, haha…

As the old folks would say, que sera sera or Whatever will happen, will happen.

I’ll just do my best to get closer to my goals and make the stuff I want.

This year was quite a setback ngl, I was struggling with the heavy depression and anxiety that was mostly caused by my existenstial crisis. A crisis that came about after the tragedy so it was tough to be motivated to draw especially when you’re anxious about your reason for existing.

If we all die tomorrow, why should I even draw? what would I be known for? What would have been my life’s purpose? Have I fulfilled my life’s purpose? Am I wasting my life by drawing animu stuff and fangirling over little things and complaining about dumb shit in this blog? What should I do? yadda yadda…

All those emo thoughts ruminating in my head.

I only managed to pick myself up slightly by the end of August.

Welp.

better late than never, I guess.

Atori x Tobi [ Noein ]

Hello.

Sorry for being quite inactive. ^^;;

I was under a lot of stress from last week’s crappy errands, ORZ.

Thinking about it, that high level of stress must have caused the bad cold I had for the entire weekend which led to heavy grogginess. ://

Anyway,

I thought of posting some month old doodles of Atori and Tobi from Noein. I meant to post them last November but I forgot, gah.

Seeing the doodles again after a few weeks made me cringe a bit, haha. They look so off.

I need to get my hand on their settei for referencing their designs because they can be quite inconsistent in the anime. >.<

Nevertheless, they’re my OTP in Noein, lol. They seem to have the same dynamic as deathshipping with Atori (tall blonde) looking so goddamn ugly to me with his crazy facial expressions early in the anime but ended up being so cutesy later on that I got so fond of him, haha. While Tobi is such a precious nerdy creampuff like Ryou.

I can’t believe Tobi’s 21 years old, but knowing the director, Kazuki Akane, he doesn’t think in that kind of way, (thank god)

From what I’ve seen in Noein, (which I finished a week ago) and …

spoiler alert:

Continue reading

worry

Thank god the period hell days are over, lol. The cramps weren’t as bad as the usual but that was because I was popping some painkillers every four to seven hours, pfft. But that was just for two days only. I don’t want to end up getting addicted to painkillers, gah. My sister mentioned that if the pain is tolerable, there’s no need to use them.

But I don’t think I can classify mine as tolerable, haha. especially for the first two days (even up to three days) because aside from the exxcruciating cramps, I also get nausea, dizziness and heavy fatigue/weakness.

I’m basically bedridden during those days if I don’t take any painkillers earlier on. :/

Eh, I’ll try not to get too dependent on them. I only take three (200 mg in 1 pill) on average anyway,

Moving to art stuff,

I’m currently finishing three illustrations for this week. And while I was quite weak yesterday, I read some comic books and studied them. I’m still having difficulty in understanding some aspects which is frustrating but I’m doing my best to learn more about my favourite artists’ techniques.

I was also reading some citron, death ang angst shipping comic scripts in my notes app right after the brief comic study session and it made me realise how I procrastinated so much from turning these scripts into comics/doujinshi because of my toxic perfectionist mindset. I was too anxious to make them because I felt…lacking in comic creation. That I was too unskilled and I needed to be “good enough” to make them but of course, how can I get better if I don’t do it?

It’s kind of where my GAD manifests and self sabotages me because it’s that crippling anxiety where I imagine a whole slew of negative, worrying thoughts CONSTANTLY. Like people will think my works are ugly so what’s the point, ORZ. And that if my works don’t reach my expectations, then it’s not worth making or posting. And that ultimately leads to me procrastinating more and leaving the scripts to rot in my notes without seeing the light of day.

I feel like as the years went by, I became more self conscious about what I posted which is good in some ways because back in 2015, I posted like, the dumbest and most nonsensical crap a lot of times lol. (Though I was young, naive and plain immature) But this… excessive self consciousness that gradually took over hindered me from experimenting on different styles and expressing more of myself.

I….wasn’t as creative and wild as before because of the self-imposed restrictions.

Certain ideas that I have for comics, I got too scared of drawing them because aside from having a perfectionist mindset regarding the technical aspect of art, I ask myself what would people think of me for drawing this? Is it “problematic”? Is it going to be bad for my “branding” or rep?

And that’s another thing, lol. “Self branding” or the concept now of “self branding”

..godsssss they always say be smart about what you post because it might ruin your reputation or smth like that especially in a world where everyone is online and yet I’m so friggin’ tired of it all.

I just want to be able to draw stuff and express my ideas without being so worried, without that “self-branding” thing even though I’m not even a brand but I feel pressured to be one because according to my anxiety-filled head, everyone else is doing it so why am I not doing it? >.<

BAH. it’s hard to explain it.

….

then again, I keep seeing some comic writers and artists have some petty drama/arguments on twitter over such small, dumb crap so….

I mean, back in 2015-2016 I’d be all over for online drama, haha but growing older, I just avoid them and mind my own business Maybe it’s because I’m too tired for that cuz…. life and stupid obligations, >__>

But yeah, how is a comic idea going to be that bad compared to public twitter dramas ?

welp.

This ended up becoming more of a rant hating on my anxiety rather than what my main intention for posting today which is just meant to be a small, short update of me being occupied with finishing some remaining commissions, lol.

cold

this strip is two days old but I’ll post it here, lol.

From what I’ve seen today Twitter is still okay. Although I’ve heard that we’re gonna see it slowly dying a week or so from now?

I dunno all the details but it did shoot itself on the foot ‘cuz the new owner is a total twat.

welp.

I only use my milliekou twitter for art and my other personal twitter for news and memes, lol.

I don’t think I’m affected that much since all my thoughts are in this blog and sometimes on tumblr. TBH, I’ve never been a fan of twitter’s interface when it comes to jotting down ideas personally because…. I talk too much haha.

I don’t like having to cut my rambles and turn it into a thread because they’d look so disorganised. If I want to rant to my heart’s desire continuously with no thread number, I want one blog post dedicated to all the crap I spout, haha.

What bothers me though was seeing people on twitter mention how twitter is going to die like tumblr.

uhhh

These people clearly haven’t been on tumblr lol.

They just love to say it’s dead. Sure, it’s not as big as it was in 2012 or smth but it’s far from dead. Lots of people are still in there and posting stuff, wth are they smoking?

As a sidenote, I really have come to dislike those who love to claim X is dead or dying or “rise and fall of (insert generational trend/genre/platform that was big in 2010 )”. Esp with genres. These are FRIGGIN genres. They don’t fucking die. They just fall in and out of fashion. Dropping off being mainstream for a while. A cycling ebb and flow.

Honestly, just use “Rise and Fall of Prominence” instead of just assuming something is dead because it wasn’t as hyped and big as it was back then. >__>

Anyway yeahhhh…twitter is in the toilet. But hasn’t been flushed yet.

In other news, I’ve been struggling with a bad cold for the entire day. I miss being a child and wanting to have colds so I can miss school lol but now, they come at inconvenient times and are such a pain the arse to deal with.