rant

what in the ever loving f***?! [ B+ rant]

/ Ayana / Leave a comment

So I was translating or rather, loosely translating the Material Settings book 2 of BLOOD+ using DeepL (cuz I’m too lazy to translate it myself) and oh friggin’ boy, I have never been so pissed on an interview, lol.

I’m exaggerating but I am still very furious with Fujisaku’s responses or as I would call, revelations on why he killed off my blorbos.

Anyway, the interview I’m referring to is page 82-83 of book 2.

Going to copy-paste the important highlights of the interview where I got so angry on.

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

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Of 2000s fansites…

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I was feeling nostalgic for the old wild west internet in the 2000s. It made me feel blessed that I was able to still remember when the internet wasn’t corporatised and when people were honest with their feelings in a way?

Like, not just showing the highlight reels or a cute ~aesthetic~ workplace, but just showing whatever because they found them interesting regardless if it’s aesthetic or not.

Now obviously some people became too personal, haha and aired their bad laundry out there but then again, nothing was perfect.

I’m not saying everyone now in the internet is being fake but it is a fact that many, if not all people nowadays are focused on branding (profilicity) and impressing others and I get it. People need to make ends meet especially with the economic recession now but it makes me wish that I could go back in time and appreciate and archive websites I used to browse as a kid.

Most would be fansites of ships and anime series I loved.

Ahh, fansites.

It’s A LOT of work, haha.

Back when there wasn’t an “official” wikia for so many anime series and when social media wasn’t a big thing yet, fans would make websites (usually html coded ones) for their favourite ship, character or series. Fansites were quite diverse in their purpose. Some were info/wikia-like sites; just giving out the general information of the series. Some fansites were dedicated to a single character (often called a “shrine”, lol.), a group of characters, a ship, etc.

The first fansite I followed was some Hoennshipping fansite I stumbled in google results because as a kid, I was so in love with May and Brendan being a couple. Eventually, I learned the term “shipping” and pokemon ship names from bulbapedia. Turns out, May and Brendan as a couple is called, “Hoennshipping.”

It all started from there with me being some shadow in the internet constantly searching for more content and info on my favourite anime series and characters. And with that, came the endless stumbling upon so many fansites. The individuality and creativity that these fans had was wonderful and inspiring to see. Yeah, some of ’em were elitist, some of ’em were petty but those were still wacky, fun times.

I’m not saying wikias are bad. They are very useful for info ofc but they’re super clunky. For example, when you click on the search box esp on the B+ wikia, they load a list of pages and only then can you search. Additionally, just the idea of a corporation/company that likes to call themselves “Fandom” is quite dubious.

One thing that I liked from fansites was their Independence. You can upload what you want, as you want. No dumb formatting rules or wiki politics like power users who want to run it like their own petty fiefdom. And Wikia can’t up and pull the plug on you or force it to be designed around their corporate layout.

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ft

/ Ayana / 2 Comments

I was listening/watching to the Fairy Tail anime on Netflix as I was working on stuff and I would have never thought hearing its OST in the background would make me tearful from the nostalgia, LOL.

It’s actually been so many years since I dropped the manga/anime. I think it was during the Grand Magic Games arc? (The arc after the Tenrou Island thing).

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heartbreak haji

/ Ayana / 1 Comment

Some rough B+ scraps from my sketchbook:

I forgot how tedious drawing in a regular graphics tablet was, lol.

(They look sooo wonky.)

I’m so used to the accuracy and efficient workflow of drawing on my screen tablet (pen display) that going back to my intuos pro was such a pain in the arse to adjust to again.

On one hand, I miss drawing with the typical handeye coordination tablet (as I grew up with it and was forced to adjust and transition from traditional pen and paper to having to draw on a tablet while looking at the screen the entire time, lol) but on the other, I would be lying if I said I missed how my strokes were so rough and inaccurate mostly, and how long it took me to finish artworks, haha.

I’m quite jealous of the younger generation of artists who can access screen tablets easily especially given how widely available and affordable they are now…at least compared to the wacom cintiq, haha.

I remember a time when if you wanted a decent screen tablet, you had to save up or invest in a cintiq which costs A TON of money and as far as I can recall, artists I knew who had cintiqs at that time seemed to be well-off (the young ones at least), old enough to have disposable income to shell out for it, or in a professional art field.

But really, I’m glad wacom doesn’t have a monopoly when it comes to decent screen tablets already. Of course, they are still the top brand when it comes to tablets but their prices aren’t exactly uh…average person friendly. And I personally believe that art should be accessible to ALL social classes. God knows how demotivated I was with making art when I was young because of how much I was deprived of art tools due to them being too pricey and unavailable for my broke arse.

So yeah, I’m glad I’m able to afford one as well. (though mine was a gift from Rin, gahh thanks so much ILU <33333) Having a pen display greatly increased my productivity with making art, heh.

life updates, Blood+ rants and comic WIPs

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last week was marked with PMS spots , mood swings and yet a high motivation to make storyboards for future comics and illustration.

Something is not adding up, lol.

Usually I spend my PMS week hating myself, everyone and everything on earth due to heavy mood swings but last week was different. Perhaps it’s me getting my mojo back after all these months of very irregular activity and deep depression. That would be a good sign that I’m recovering?

But ofc in the back of my mind, I’m still afraid of this suden enthusiasm because everytime I experience that, something very bad happens next and I know it’s super illogical to think like that, the whole “you know the world doesn’t revolve around you getting happy or not” and I know that but even so, last year was traumatising especially since it was exactly September of last year where I was getting into Blood + again….

and the rest was history.

ANYWAY, that stuff aside, I am currently into Blood + again. I’m in the midst of finishing a semi-short(?) fancomic of a postcanon AU that me and Rin created because we hate how canon treated our “blorbos” (The Schiff), haha. They are like the most disadvantaged characters in the series and yet have the most wholesome relationship towards each other. They’re just….so good. All they just wanted was to live and be happy. >v<

We were also fangirling over…a….uh… “crack” ship with Hagi, heh.

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Clutter

/ Ayana / 1 Comment

It’s funny how I start to feel more productive and more motivated after I clean and arrange my workspace. I never realised how much I let myself go these past few months that I left my room to be so messy and cluttered, gah.

Anyway, I celebrated my birthday a few days ago and I couldn’t help but reflect more on life and if I’m doing something worthwhile.

I ended up thinking that I’ve lost myself this year. I’ve become more anxious, more paranoid with illnesses and bad events that it’s been difficult to focus.

I could definitely say that 2022 has proven to be such a very challenging year so far. I’ve fell behind in a lot of my plans rl and art wise, and I hate myself for it. 8 months already passed by and I don’t have much to show for. It’s pathetic how I’ve let the voice of self doubt and self sabotage ruin everything by telling me whatever I do is meaningless.

There’s this quote by Chuck Palahniuk that summarises my existenstial crisis this year:

“You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.”

That quote is what that voice of self doubt tells me. I can’t bring myself to do what I love like I used to because I end up becoming super self conscious about “wasting time” or wasting my life, sigh.

ah well…

maybe drawing p*rn of my ships and OCs can help..hmmm….

Discouragement and Comparison

/ Ayana / 2 Comments

Hello.

‘Sucks to say I had such severe depression this week. A mixture of rl stress/problems and hormones (PMDD) exacerbating the entire thing with terrible mood swings which completely zapped my motivation to do anything that’s self-care related.

Plus a heavy period since yesterday, ORZ. I was fatigued and I was lying in pain for hours today. (Even painkillers aren’t that effective nowadays, ugh.)

So…

I was confiding to Rin about my perfectionist mentality last night which hindered me from drawing as much as before(aside from Trauma). I found myself endlessly scrolling through so many amazing art because I burnt out weeks ago and I wanted to gain inspiration. Unfortunately, there’s a limit to scrolling as I found out because instead of making me inspired, it left me super unmotivated and discouraged to draw, LOL.

I felt so inadequate with my skills comparing myself to their art that I wanted to quit drawing.

What’s the point of drawing when I fucking suck and like 100000s of artists are better than me? All my art is trash and nobody likes it. I should quit.

It sounds doomer and childish, haha but I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences that. Not to mention, endlessly scrolling, telling myself ” Oh, this is for inspiration for me to draw.” thinking it was helping me when I was self-harming essentially. It was causing me more depression and anxiety making me think I need to be X type with A detail just for me to be a good artist. I was procrastinating through it, too. Instead of drawing, i just scrolled and scrolled until I felt so disgusted with my works and even myself. I was sulking and wallowing in self hatred instead of grinding.

So being desperate to stop this, I asked Rin to be my accountability buddy in the meantime. She agreed and she told me I’m currently banned from looking and scrolling through artists online. That I should be getting my inspiration from offline sources which helps more because there’s no endless scrolling option offline (art books). Hopefully, I can keep up with it. It’s been helping me today at least, to focus more on my art and our comics.

Bad habits

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..

I realised that I have a tendency to self sabotage myself and having this need to justify and explain every little thing.

The other day, I was talking about kinks and fetishes to Rin and we were sharing our most unconventional ones. I felt shameful for sharing my kink which is being..raw during intercourse.

Yep, it is super vanilla compared to the list of kinks I showed Rin but damn, I caught myself having to justify why I like unprotected and raw sex as a kink, lol. Rin told me I didn’t have to reason why I like it. It’s fine to just like it because I find it hot. And she’s right.

I like it because I find it sexy and super hot.

And that’s reason enough.

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backing up r18 doods

/ Ayana / Leave a comment

Hello.

I’m in the midst of a commission and making comics so I apologise again for being idle this week. ORZ

I’m actually quite happy that I am resuming comic projects again. I had a depressive episode two days ago, (existenstial dread) which dampened my mood for a little while but distracting myself with little nice things like comedies and….nsfw comic ideas helped me feel better, lol.

And speaking of NSFW ideas, I also made a back-up R18 blog at blogspot/blogger recently. ^^;;

Yeah you could say I’m a total blog whore for making blogs everywhere (and I am ) but after tumblr purged the nsfw stuff, I have a difficult time trusting only one site especially a social media site to host all my drawings and I always search for other alternatives, online backups and Blogspot is a good choice.

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