It’s all blobs, haha. But that’s how my BTS is. It’s uhh..something I can only decipher, lol.
I have to use a multi-ink ballpoint pen for this since it’s convenient for changing colours at a whim. Different colours like red and blue help to identify where the speech balloons are meant to be located, and the detail/description of every panel, respectively.
You can see that I just printed out some random storyboard template I found online since my Midori Storyboard notebook has ran out of pages and it’s a limited edition from..2017-18(?) so I can’t buy it anymore, ORZ.
I like this template though because it has that Midori storyboard format I was looking for, minus the url and logo of the website below, lol.
‘Gonna use this storyboard template for future comics. （＾ｖ＾）
Geez, doing all these made me miss making comic projects like this.. (ಥ _ʖಥ)
Sigh. I barely drew any doujins/comic projects for the past two years come to think of it. I used to be super passionate with making them and I dunno what exactly caused my exasperation with it.
So in the midst of writing this blog post, the speakers outside were playing corporate Christmas songs which are annoying af. And John Lennon’s Happy Xmas (War is Over) started to play. Gods, I know that it’s an antiwar song but the friggin’ guilt trip of the first two lines lol.
“So this is Christmas. What have you done?”
Wallowed in my goddamn misery.
As if I needed to feel more guilt about not having much progress this year. >__>
January -> April : Extremely depressed, crying spells almost everyday, Commissions
May -> June: “Normally” depressed, dabbled into drawing random OCs, painting in my personal journal, Commissions
July -> August Playing The Sims 2 to feel better and enjoyed the lore of the series, drawing OCs, Commissions
September : Got into Blood+ again and got so invested in the Schiff particularly with Gie. Also started shipping him and Haji seriously that I started to make a doujin. Commissions
October: Finished the doujin, the first ever since 2020! Commissions
November: Drew more often, rambled …ranted constantly, grieved, got introduced to Noein, lusted after Karasu, shipped Tobi and Atori, Commissions
December: Commissions, got burnt out.
2022 was a super rough year for me, lol. ‘Greeted me with a friggin’ funeral.
It’s funny how I start to feel more productive and more motivated after I clean and arrange my workspace. I never realised how much I let myself go these past few months that I left my room to be so messy and cluttered, gah.
Anyway, I celebrated my birthday a few days ago and I couldn’t help but reflect more on life and if I’m doing something worthwhile.
I ended up thinking that I’ve lost myself this year. I’ve become more anxious, more paranoid with illnesses and bad events that it’s been difficult to focus.
I could definitely say that 2022 has proven to be such a very challenging year so far. I’ve fell behind in a lot of my plans rl and art wise, and I hate myself for it. 8 months already passed by and I don’t have much to show for. It’s pathetic how I’ve let the voice of self doubt and self sabotage ruin everything by telling me whatever I do is meaningless.
There’s this quote by Chuck Palahniuk that summarises my existenstial crisis this year:
“You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.”
That quote is what that voice of self doubt tells me. I can’t bring myself to do what I love like I used to because I end up becoming super self conscious about “wasting time” or wasting my life, sigh.
maybe drawing p*rn of my ships and OCs can help..hmmm….
‘Sucks to say I had such severe depression this week. A mixture of rl stress/problems and hormones (PMDD) exacerbating the entire thing with terrible mood swings which completely zapped my motivation to do anything that’s self-care related.
Plus a heavy period since yesterday, ORZ. I was fatigued and I was lying in pain for hours today. (Even painkillers aren’t that effective nowadays, ugh.)
I was confiding to Rin about my perfectionist mentality last night which hindered me from drawing as much as before(aside from Trauma). I found myself endlessly scrolling through so many amazing art because I burnt out weeks ago and I wanted to gain inspiration. Unfortunately, there’s a limit to scrolling as I found out because instead of making me inspired, it left me super unmotivated and discouraged to draw, LOL.
I felt so inadequate with my skills comparing myself to their art that I wanted to quit drawing.
What’s the point of drawing when I fucking suck and like 100000s of artists are better than me? All my art is trash and nobody likes it. I should quit.
It sounds doomer and childish, haha but I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences that. Not to mention, endlessly scrolling, telling myself ” Oh, this is for inspiration for me to draw.” thinking it was helping me when I was self-harming essentially. It was causing me more depression and anxiety making me think I need to be X type with A detail just for me to be a good artist. I was procrastinating through it, too. Instead of drawing, i just scrolled and scrolled until I felt so disgusted with my works and even myself. I was sulking and wallowing in self hatred instead of grinding.
So being desperate to stop this, I asked Rin to be my accountability buddy in the meantime. She agreed and she told me I’m currently banned from looking and scrolling through artists online. That I should be getting my inspiration from offline sources which helps more because there’s no endless scrolling option offline (art books). Hopefully, I can keep up with it. It’s been helping me today at least, to focus more on my art and our comics.
I actually was planning on writing a short apology for being inactive for more than a week but I don’t want to apologise or rather, I don’t think it’s necessary to do so.
I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay to not post regularly especially during this year since I still have PTSD from what happened to my relative and my beloved baby. It’s not as bad as before but it still lingers. Especially now with my birthday coming up this month I end up going into another existenstial crisis. (Birthday anxiety?)
Man, I remember being so excited for my birthdays because it was the only day where I get presents and be spoiled by my parents. Now, it ends up becoming a trigger for dreadful thoughts, lol.
I’m depressed and anxious af because admittedly, I fear aging and lacking in life. Like, not achieving as much as what’s expected for my age group and all that life script crap.
sigh… I guess the benefit of growing older is maturing and learning more about the world and society.
welp, I managed to get out of my edgy, reactionary phase, at least.
(also its late at night and I’m super dizzy from skipping dinner gah.)
I wonder if I should just nuke my old wordpress blog entirely? (the milliekou.wordpress.com). Thinking about the blog makes me remember all the cringeworthy stuff I wrote and drew since 2015 and it sometimes haunts me, lol.
I’ve been busy colouring the nsfw commission today so…no illustration or doodle atm.
But despite me having less output than the usual, I’m very happy that I managed to open commissions this year, for the first time. Aside from the fact that those commissions helped me financially, it also made me improve drastically in drawing and painting from what I observed. I learned so many things like rendering, doing backgrounds, detailed works, etc.
Stuff like those make me regret that I didn’t open commissions years ago. I often wonder if it was too late for me since I have this mean voice nagging in my head, “Oh, X and Y are in middle school and have opened commissions, why did it take you so very long to open, Millie? You should have done those when you were very young, now it’s too late for you.”
The whole “You’re too old for this. People wayy younger than you are doing 1000x better than you in everything so there’s no point in trying” reason plagues me a lot, lol.
Sigh. Anxiety, specifically Generalised and Social Anxiety disorder are very self-sabotaging. Aside from the fact that I had a very low self-esteem with my skills, a debilitating fear of letting down my followers with my art, I was extremely afraid of failing, too. Yeah, I opened commissions but what if nobody ever commissioned me? That would mean I embarrassed myself online with even posting it in the first place.
I won’t be posting anything on my twitter and tumblr for this week since I’ll be finishing a commission and taking a break from social media things that are overwhelming, lol.
I’ll still be posting here on WordPress this week but only uninteresting text posts like my musings and reflections so there’s not much anybody will miss, lol.
I find it ironic though. I remember a few years ago, I’d be anxious that people will end up ditching me and I’ll have to buy my place in the fandom; constantly having to get attention or else I’ll fade into obscurity but now, I feel good with being like a nobody, lol.
Of course I’m extremely grateful for my followers and I need some income with commissions and ko-fi stuff but what I mean is, it’s therapeutic and relaxing to not have many eyes on you from time to time.